


No Church In The Wild

by pleasanthell



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-19 14:28:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 43,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3613401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pleasanthell/pseuds/pleasanthell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are no happy endings on the ground. Not for you. </p><p>You slip down into a ravine and run through the water. You close your eyes as you run because you can't take it anymore. You slip and fall, completely immersed in a frigid body of water. You close your eyes tight and curl up into a ball. You want them to go away. You want them to stop following you. You want them gone. You stay under the water until everything around you starts to fade out.</p><p>You refuse to open your eyes or try to swim. You can't. You're too tired. You're too scared. It all hurts too much. You just let go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Church In The Wild

You don't know what you're doing.

You never felt really sure of anything. That's not true. You've been sure of a few things. You've been sure of your love for your people. You've been sure that you loved Finn. You've been sure that Lexa loved you. You've been sure that you are responsible for the deaths of almost a thousand people. You're sure that you can't look at the faces of your people without seeing all the other faces, the irradiated faces of the Mountain Men – no, they weren't just Mountain Men. The were Mountain People. Mountain Children. Mountain Families.

A chilly breeze hits you. It's getting colder. You've been gone for a few days. Two or three. Maybe five. You don't really have a plan. You're just walking. Sometimes you find yourself in familiar places. You see trees that look familiar or the remnants of a campfire that you made.

You're thirsty. It's been a while since you've seen any kind of stream. You're hungry too, but you feel sick. You know that your body is running on momentum. If you stop, you're going to have to eat or you're not going to be able to start moving again.

You don't have any weapons on you. You tossed your knife into the river. You're done with the violence. You're done killing. It's nearing night when you finally do stop. You build a small fire using the things you learned in Earth Skills and sit next to a blueberry bush. You eat your fill, staring hard into the fire.

When you look down at your hands, you see that your fingers are stained dark blue. You wipe it off on your pants. You hear movement in the forest, but you can't bring yourself to look for whatever it is. You don't care. You lay down on the cushion of leaves and stare into the fire. You're done fighting.

At some point you fall asleep. When you wake up in the dead of the night, the fire having burned itself out in front of you, it takes you a long while to start moving. It's getting hard to tell the difference between dreams and reality. Your dreams are nightmares. Your sleep is wrought with peeling, pink skin. You can hear the screams, all of the Mountain Men – Mountain People suffering a painful death.

You sit up. With the fire gone, you can see that the moon is lighting up most of the forest around you. You can't hear anything moving. The silence is almost as bad as the screaming you hear in your dreams.

You're done sleeping. You slowly stand and start walking. You don't know to where. The only sound you can hear are your boots in the leaves. You can see your breaths as you walk, crystallizing and dissipating in the air. It's really cold. You've been laying without the fire for quite some time and the cold is running through your blood into your veins.

You don't know how long you walk for, but you see your side of the Earth starting to peek at the sun. You trip on a tree root and stumble. You don't fall though. You keep moving.

A sound catches your attention. It's off to your right. When you look to see what it is, you see a small child standing far away, peeking at you from behind a massive tree. You stop walking and look around. You try to speak, but find that your voice isn't cooperating. You swallow and clear your throat, “Are you okay? Are you lost?”

The child just keeps looking at you. You can't see anything, but the child's face. You don't know if it's a grounder child or... you wonder if there was any way that a child from Mount Weather survived. You start to walk closer, the child's eyes never leaving you.

You keep walking, a little faster. When you get almost close enough to see their whole body, the little child turns around and takes off running.

“Wait,” you call after them, “Where are you going?”

They start to run and you run after them. They duck behind a tree and by the time you get to the tree, they're gone. You quickly look around, scanning the horizon and the forest that is slowly waking up. “Hello?”

You still yourself and listen. You can't hear any movement. You look up into the tree. You think maybe the child doesn't speak English so you try tigedasleng. You don't remember much of it, but you're sure you know enough to reassure a lost child, “Heya?”

You look around the tree and then climb up into the tree yourself only to find no one in it. You look down to the ground and as far as you can in every direction. You don't even see anything moving. You drop from the tree with a sigh.

“Was that real?” you quietly ask yourself in the almost stagnant morning. Of course no one answers because you're alone.

The biting wind makes your eyes water. You sigh softly and start walking again.

The sun is high in the sky and you feel woozy. You waver when you walk. You know you need water and warmth. Your answer to your thirst problem starts to fall from the sky a few minutes later. It's sleet and it hurts your face, but you manage to catch enough in your hands to quench your thirst.

It starts to soak through your jacket but you keep walking. You can't stop moving. You can't let the past catch up with you. You have to keep moving forward.

You wrap your arms around yourself and start shivering. You're so cold and you're soaked to the bone. You duck your head. You trip, but this time you don't catch yourself. You tumble to the ground, your wrist taking the brunt of the force. You whimper and roll onto your back. You hold your hurt wrist in your hand. It's throbbing.

You push yourself to your knees. You look behind you to see what you tripped on. A sudden panic overcomes you. You tripped over a body. It's well-dressed and the skin is peeling from obvious radiation poisoning. You scramble to your feet, looking around. They're everywhere. They're all over the ground. They're hanging in the trees. Men, women, and children – there are so many children.

The tears are hot against your face when you start running. The sleet stings your face like needles, but you have to keep moving. You run as hard as you can trying to get away, but they're everywhere – they're fucking everywhere. You jump over a dead guard's body as you run. You turn away from a small mound of peeling, pink children. You scream when you almost run right into a body standing straight up.

You slip down into a ravine and run through the water. You close your eyes as you run because you can't take it anymore. You slip and fall, completely immersed in a frigid body of water. You close your eyes tight and curl up into a ball. You want them to go away. You want them to stop following you. You want them gone. You stay under the water until everything around you starts to fade out.

You refuse to open your eyes or try to swim. You can't. You're too tired. You're too scared. It all hurts too much. You just let go.

Everything is black and calm. You're warm.

You feel different. You keep your eyes closed and take stock of your body. There's something on top of you. It's heavy. You quickly sit up, scrambling away from it, bumping into something else. There's a loud clatter that makes your heart jump. You stop moving for a moment and see that you knocked over a small table with a metal cup of water on it. The water soaks into the packed dirt floor. You look where you scrambled away from and see a bed made of furs. It looks like they were on top of you.

You look down at yourself. You're still in your own clothes, but your boots and jacket are gone. You're in a tent. It's smells like wet leather. Your boots are at the end of the bed.

As you're pulling your boots on, the flap to the tent opens quickly and a tall, thin man steps inside. You pick up the nearest weapon to you, too frightened to think through what you're doing.

He puts his hands up, eyeing the knife in your hand. It's not a warrior's knife though. It's too dull and too worn. The handle is rubbed smooth in all the wrong places.

You see his eyes move to the overturned table. You put the knife down slowly on the bed and reached for the table, “I'm sorry.”

He puts his hands down. You feel like he's younger than he looks with skin worn from long days working. You pick up the metal cup. You look inside and all of the water is gone.

He takes a slow step toward you that makes you tense. He holds out his hand, palm up.

You hand him the cup, but take a step back afterward so that he can't grab you. You watch as he steps outside, then steps back in with a full cup.

“Th-thank you,” you hesitantly take it from him. When the water touches your lips, you know you were asleep longer than you thought. You finish all the water in the cup, still keeping an eye on the man.

You realize that since he's not a warrior, the English you've been speaking hasn't been understood. You try to remember the trigedasleng that you know. “ _Mochof_.” you thank him.

A smile pops up onto his face. He nods, “ _Pro_.” He gestures outside and says something that you don't understand.

You just shake your head and hope that it translates to you don't know what he's talking about. He gestures again outside, this time following his hand outside. You pick up the knife again, tucking it into the back of your belt. You don't know where you are and you're not sure who you can trust anymore.

You step outside of the tent finding that the sleet has turned to snow. You're in a grounder village. There are permanent tents and solid structures lining what looks like the main street. It strikes you because you've never seen a grounder village not in turmoil. Everyone is walking around. You can see blacksmiths working with the flaps thrown up on one side of the tent. You see children running around with wooden swords chasing each other.

One of the children catches your eye. You watch him bound up on top of a barrel, shouting at his friends in trigedasleng. He has dried mud in a pattern rubbed on his face in obvious imitation of Lexa's warpaint.

An older woman yells at the boy and he jumps down, chasing after his friends.

You start to wrap your arms around yourself against the cold, but the man hands you a coat. It's a grounder coat made of leather and furs. When you put it on, it's warm.

You look at his face and wonder if he knows who you are.

He excitedly gestures down the street, like he wants to show you around. You feel like you haven't been a very good guest up until that point so you force a smile and follow him.

You walk past the blacksmith tent where the workers are forging swords with large hammers and hot fire. You don't like the way it smells.

There are people standing on tall boxes, sweeping the snow from the tops of the roofs with tree branches. Everything is eerily normal. It makes you all that much more nervous.

You start to smell food cooking and it makes your stomach growl. The man looks back at you with a smile on his face. He picks up the pace. The food smell is getting stronger. You see that he's walking toward a large sturdy structure, assembled by pieces of other, probably fallen, structures. He opens the swinging door for you.

You step in to find a mess hall of sorts. There are long tables with long benches. It looks like a wooden version of the one that was on the Ark. There are only a few people inside. A woman and two children sit in the middle of one of the tables and a lone young man sits at the end of another.

The man you're following around walks up to a large pot at the far end of the mess hall. You linger near one of the tables while he brings the bowl of soup back. He gestures to the table and you both sit. He places the bowl in front of you. You don't see silverware or a spoon so you figure that you're just supposed to pick up the bowl.

“Skaikru?” he asks you carefully as you take the first sip.

You love the soup. It's spicy and the meat in it is tender. You nod with a mouthful. You didn't realize how starving you were. You start draining the bowl.

He gestures over his shoulder and asks you a question. The only words you understand are _gonplei_ and _maunon_. Your face turns hard at the mention of the Mountain Men. He looks so hopeful though. You nod slowly.

He laughs and claps your shoulder. “ _Monchof_ ,” he thanks you. He puts his hand over his heart and sighs deeply. There are tears in his eyes,but he blinks them away. You're getting a glimpse of how much the Mountain Men terrorized everyone around them. He looks so relieved, but somehow his relief twists the dagger in your heart. You wonder just how close you are to Mount Weather.

You finish your soup and when he points to the pot asking if you want more, you shake your head. You start to make your way to the door before him.

He quickly catches up and you walk back toward the tent you woke up in. He leads you to the blacksmith tent. Inside, a few rough men hammer away at swords.

The man who has been showing you around, leaves you on your own while you watch them beat the swords into their shapes. You watch another man sharpen the sword with a stone. A woman stokes the fire underneath a cauldron that holds melted metal.

You hear a word that makes you whip your head around. You walk to the man who was showing you around. You touch his arm and he turns around. He looks at you with a polite smile. You ask, “Heda?”

He nods, turning back around. He picks up a sword. With two gentle hands, he lets you look at it. You pick it up, the grip if wrapped leather, stained dark. The guard is ornately etched to depict a forest. You pull out the sword and find a sharp blade, “This is for Lexa?”

You trip over the beginnings of a few trigedasleng words before settling for, “Polis?”

He nods again. He points toward the back of the tent, but you think that he's pointing toward Polis. You point to yourself, holding the sword firmly in your hand. Then you point to Polis. You hope he knows what you're talking about.

He looks a little skeptical. He turns to the man behind him, speaking in trigedasleng. You watch them carefuly. The other man looks at you and his eyes immediately widen. His voice lowers when he tells the man that's been showing you around that you're “ _Heda kom skaikru._ ”

The man that's been showing you around looks back at you with wide eyes. He apologizes multiple times and blabbers on about something you can't understand. You just shake your head telling him that, “It's okay.”

The younger man behind the first one picks up a sword and offers it to you with a bowed head. You look at it. It's more plain than Lexa's. When you try to give it back, they shake their heads. You don't have much of a choice, but to hook it onto your belt. You sling Lexa's new sword over your shoulder. You ask again, “Polis?”

They both walk you out to the edge of their village. You think that you are going to have a problem finding your way to Polis, but you see that the village you're in is just across the bridge from a much larger city.

You look back at them and gesture to the city, “Polis?”

They both nod.

You take a deep breath. You were hoping for a much longer walk so that you could sort out if you were actually going to go to Polis, but it seems that you don't get that luxury. You nod to the men, thanking them, before you start the short walk over a bridge to Polis.

It stops snowing when you step foot on the bridge and the sun peeks out of the clouds. The bridge is heavily guarded, but you recognize some of the warriors from Mount Weather. They don't even turn their heads when you walk right past them. On the other side of the bridge you see a city unlike you've ever seen in your entire life. There's a market where people are trading things. You walk past their little stalls with the awnings on them. There are people everywhere, milling around and just...living a normal life.

You see someone point you out and then soon everyone is staring at you. You were going to take your time looking around, but everyone pointing you out is making you uncomfortable. You don't like the attention.

You find the nearest warrior-looking person and ask, “ _Gonasleng?”_

She nods so you ask her in English where you can find Lexa. The guard apparently recognizes you and points you deeper into the town, “The building with the round top is the Capitol.” You start to walk off, but she adds, “I don't know if she'll see you. She hasn't been taking visitors. The Boat People sent three generals last week and none of them got to get a look at her.”

You look toward the middle of the town. Even from where you're standing, you can see the Capitol building with the round top. The blue dome sits atop a small white tower jutting from the middle of a red brick building. None of it says Lexa to you. It doesn't look like some place she would stay, but she's already proven that you don't know her very well.

You look at the warrior, “Thanks.”

She nods at you. “ _Leidon, Heda Kom Skaikru._ ”

You wish people would stop calling you that.

You make your way up to the building. When you get close, you find that stairs lead up to six pillars shooting into the sky. They hold up the awning over the front stairs. The stairs are white and grand, leading up to the imposing building that extends out to the left and the right. It's larger than any building that you've ever seen and you feel so small walking up to it.

There are guards standing at each of the double doors who once again, completely ignore you. The inside is much grander than the outside. Marble floors amplify the sounds of your footsteps. You look up and find a vertical domed cavern with windows all the way around it, letting in the midday sun.

“Hello Clarke,” a delicate voice greets you.

You look around for the voice and see a young woman on the second floor balcony looking down at you. She smiles gently at you and somehow it makes you feel more relaxed.

“Where's Lexa?” you ask, your voice echoing off of the walls. Movement catches your eyes on the first floor. You see a small group of warriors walk out of a doorway on the right side of the long hallway in front of you.

“Heda, is not accepting visitors right now,” the woman's ethereal voice tells you. Her off white dress is draped around her elegantly.

You take the sword off of your back, holding it in your hand when you look up, “I have something for her.”

“I will gladly take that to her,” she smiles gently.

You look around, not seeing stairs anywhere close. You look back up at her, “Fine. Come get it.”

The young woman moves to your left, slowly and gracefully. When she's out of sight, you start moving quickly down the hallway in front of you. You and Lexa have been through too much together for her to just brush you off. She abandoned you. She doesn't get the luxury of not facing you now.

You find a hallway off of the main one where the warriors disappeared into. You follow them, catching the last one, “Hey.”

The hulking man turns around when you catch his arm. He immediately recognizes you. He bows his head once respectfully.

“Where's the Commander?” you ask.

His eyes drop yours and he looks around like he's about to tell you a secret. He slowly shakes his head, finally meeting your eyes.

“Where is she?” you lean close to him, demanding an answer.

He looks like he's weighing it in his head whether or not to tell you. You can't imagine why he would tell you, but you're desperate. Finally he surprises you. He sighs softly and points up, then behind you.

You nod, “I won't tell anyone.”

He looks behind him to make sure that none of his fellow warriors have stopped. They're all still walking, jovially talking. He takes a few steps behind you, then points down a completely different hallway.

You nod to him and then take off. You hear the young woman calling you from where you came in. You find that there are stairs just a few feet inside of the hallway.

You have no idea where you're going or how you're going to find Lexa, but you go up the stairs to the second floor. You start walking in the direction the warrior sent you in. The second floor is just as grand as the first. There is door after door in the tall corridor that you're walking down. You have no idea which one is Lexa's, but you have a hunch. You pass all of the doors, anger building in your veins. You can't believe after everything she would try to dismiss you before she even saw you.

At the end, you see double doors made of thick wood. You reach for the old brass handle and carefully open the door.

Your hunch was right. You can see Lexa and your breath catches in your throat. Her back is to you and you're not sure she heard the door open. She's standing on a balcony in the bright sun. A chilly wind is blowing into the bedroom behind Lexa, blowing her hair away from her face and blowing the curtains on both sides of the balcony doors. There's a large bed in the large bedroom, covered in furs blankets. An old couch sits in front of a fireplace. The wood in the fireplace is smoldering, but not not producing much heat against the wind blowing in.

An elegant table is on the far side of the room holding a model of all the land under Lexa's control. There's a crumpled up piece of paper in the middle of the model.

You look at Lexa who is wearing a long sleeved black shirt and black pants. Her hands are holding onto the railing of the balcony and her head is bowed.

Part of you wants to know what is wrong, but part of you is so goddamn angry with her that you hope she's hurting. You take her sword off of your back and toss it onto the hard floor. It lands with a loud clatter.

Lexa is visibly startled and turns around to look at you.

When you see her clean, unsoiled face, your blood boils, “I brought you something.”

Her eyes meet yours only briefly before she turns back around.

“No,” you state, advancing on her. “You don't get to ignore me.”

Lexa bows her head. She turns toward you and you stop moving in the doorway. She looks so defeated. Her face is haunting. Her eyes are hollow and seem to suck all of the light out of the sky. Her eyes hold yours, not letting go. Her voice is weak, but her words are powerful, “Get it over with.”

“What?” you blink and take a step back, trying to gain control of your own emotions.

“You're here to kill me aren't you?” Lexa asks, dropping to her knees.

Your eyes widen, “N-no. What are you talking about? What's wrong with you?”

She rolls her eyes and easily stands, “Then leave me.” Her back is once again to you.

You walk out onto the balcony to see what she's looking at. You're taken aback by what you see. It looks like an entirely other city has been swallowed by the ocean. There are massive buildings almost completely under water. There is a wall constructed around the small plot of grass behind the building that you're in, but the water comes right up to the wall, lapping against the side of it. Ocean waves roll in one after the over. You've seen pictures and videos of the ocean up close and you could see it from the Ark, but they could never do what you see in front of you justice.

You can see fish swimming in the water. Large grey fish jump out of the water. They look playful. You lean on the railing next to Lexa, “What are those?”

She follows you eyes, “Dolphins.”

You watch them jump again. They seem to be racing out into the open ocean before disappearing from your view.

The moment fades away and you're left empty. You're not angry. You're not enchanted by the ocean anymore. You're just..you don't know how you feel.

The soft voice from before calls out, speaking quick and quivering Trigedasleng. You hear her apologize repeatedly while Lexa looks down at the water, clearly annoyed.

Lexa puts up her hand, silencing the young woman who tried to stop you from seeing Lexa. Lexa answers in Trigedasleng, low and steady. The young woman bows her head in the doorway uttering, “ _Sha, Heda_ ,” before turning around any leaving.

“Why are you here, Clarke?” Lexa asks you quietly. She turns around, walking into the bedroom.

You turn around, the warm sun starting to make the coat that your blacksmith friend gave you too hot. You shrug it off, holding it by the collar. You stand on the balcony, watching her. She moves to an old, wooden armoire. She takes out her pauldron. She puts it on herself, clicking the clasp closed in front of her. It makes her look more like herself. She picks up the sword that you threw down and threads it onto her belt.

You look down. You're not sure why you're there. You were angry with Lexa, but it was superficial. The more you think about it, you know you're here looking for answers. You want to know how to deal with the anguish rioting inside of you.

She looks at you one last time for answer, but when you have none she slips out the door, leaving you in her room.

You turn around and look at the ocean. There's something calming about waves that continue to come, smashing into the tops of buildings, but not letting anything stop their journey to the shore. You lean heavily on the railing. The more you stand on the stone balcony, hovering over nothing with nothing, but the ocean to keep you company, the more alone you feel. The ocean is so large and you can't see the end of it. There is no land in sight. It's like Lexa's home is on the edge of the world.

It's all overwhelming and you have to step inside. You drop your coat on the couch and take off your sword. You don't want it. You don't need it. You're done killing. Lexa can have it.

You put your new sword on Lexa's bed. It's chilly in Lexa's bedroom so you close the doors to the balcony and stoke the fire until it's roaring.

You honestly don't know what to do with yourself. This seems like maybe it was your destination all along, but you don't know what to do now that you're here.

You turn around and see the model of the land all around. You can see that it was constructed in pieces, all pushed together to create a visual representation of everything Lexa is responsible for. You kneel down and look at the small sculpture of Mount Weather.

You stare at it until you can't see anything else. You quickly close your eyes, but all you can see are bodies. You're rested and nourished enough now to know that you didn't see bodies all over the forest. They were hallucinations of a breaking mind.

When you open your eyes, you move your eyes away from Mount Weather. You purposely don't look directly at it. You look over the rest of the three dimensional map in front of you. You can see Camp Jaha. It's a crudely constructed Ark and not much else. You can see the remnants of Tondc. It looks like it used to be a regular model, but it was crushed by a fist.

Your eyes move to Polis. The crumpled up piece of paper is on top of the village that you were brought to after your…incident in what you can now see was a small lake. You pick up the piece of paper and straighten it out. It's all in Trigedasleng. You pick out a few words that you know. _Wamplei_ means death. There are a lot of apologies in the short note.

“Clarke?” the sweet young voice of the young woman who couldn't keep you out of Lexa's room asks.

You turn around. You ignore the fact that she just caught you reading something of Lexa's and ask, “What does _nontu_ mean?”

The young woman pauses. She thinks for a beat before answering, “I believe it means father.”

You look down at the note in your hand. Once you read over the foreign words again, it clicks. You fold up the piece of paper and drop it back where it was. You take in a shaky breath. You look over at the young woman. You wait for her to speak.

“You room is ready,” you smiles softly, but nervously.

You look around. You don't particularly want to leave Lexa's room even though she's not there. But Lexa did want you to leave so you sigh heavily. The young woman picks up your coat off of the couch and your sword off of the bed before leading you out.

“What's your name?” you ask her as you follow her.

“Kalida,” she answers.

You walk down the hallway past the balcony that she had stood on and told you that the Commander wasn't accepting visitors. You disappear into an almost identical corridor and walk all the way to the end. As far as you can tell this wing, mirrors the one that Lexa stays in. In fact, your room is almost identical. There is a fire going in the fireplace already. The bed is slightly smaller than Lexa's but not by much. In place of her model of the land is a desk. Your couch is more worn, but larger.

“Thank you,” you tell Kalida.

Her smile is genuine, “The Commander has asked me to provide for you anything that you may require.”

“Where did she go?” you ask immediately.

“I believe she went to oversee the patrol of the land,” Kalida answers. “She will be return before nightfall.”

You nod. “Okay. Thank you.” You look at her, “I'm going to go to the market. Do I need to trade or-”

A light laugh interrupts you. Kalida covers her mouth, “I'm sorry. Warriors don't trade.” She folds her hands in front of herself, “Especially you. You can have whatever you want. You are _Heda kom skaikru._ ”

“Oh,” you softly breath out. You weren't expecting that. You nod, “Okay. I'll be back later then too.”

You don't know how to navigate Polis, but you figure out a pattern after a few minutes of aimless wandering. All roads lead to the Capitol building where Lexa lives.

You find a market in the remains of an old building with a roof that is completely gone. Inside though, it's lively. There are people trading things and talking. Some of them are laughing. You never pictured the Capitol like this. You always thought that it would be militaristic with serious diplomats or generals all keeping everyone in line. You didn't think that it was an actual city.

You hear the word _skaikru_ and turn around. A young warrior bops over to you. She kicks at the ground then looks bashfully up at you. She has her hands behind her back. You notice a small dagger on her belt and streaked warpaint that is faded on her cheeks. She smiles then shows you her hands. She talks choppy English, but you're sure she's just learning, “Mountain Men kill my...family. You kill Mountain Men.” You can see a necklace dangling from her hands. It's a small leather rope with a red stones wrapped in metal wire at the end. “Thank you.”

You gently accept the necklace. You're not sure what to say. You swallow and put the necklace on. You touch it around your neck, “It's beautiful. Thank you.”

She giggles and skips away. You stand up straight, stunned by what the little girl unblinkingly told you. You look around at the market and wonder how many relatives or friends of these people the Mountain Men killed or made into reapers. It doesn't make you feel better about what you did. It just makes you hate Cage and Dante more.

You find gratitude all around the city. People give you food and weapons. They insist on giving you the best seat at the bar you accidentally walk into. No one asks you what happened or now it happened, but everyone thanks you. You're not sure how long the Mountain Men have been terrorizing Lexa's city, but everyone is so, so grateful that it's over.

A guard on his way to the Capitol helps you carry all the gifts you've been given. As you follow him, you look at the large sack of things people wanted to thank you with. They all looked so happy and so relieved. You remember what you said to Bellamy before you left. _I bear it so they don't have to._

You're an anguish. Lexa is stone cold. You're both carrying the deaths of hundreds on your backs so that your people can smile and be happy. They can be relieved that it's all over because it will never be over for you.

You take the sack of gifts from the guard at the door of the Capitol. You thank him with a forced smile and lug it up to your room. You close your door once you're inside and empty the sack onto your desk.

There are daggers and throwing knives. There are small bottles of alcohol. There's food and jewelry. You find a book in the bag. All the pages are blank. You take a step back and look at all the things that the people gave you because they are grateful.

You put your hands on your hips and shake your head. You never asked for any of it. You didn't ask for the gifts. You didn't ask for the responsibility. You didn't ask to have to make the tough choices. You were thrust into the leadership position with nothing more than a little bit of medical knowledge and a love for your people.

You touch the necklace around your neck. The red stone is smooth between your fingers. It reminds you of the blood on Lexa's face when she told you that she was leaving you to your own devices. It almost covered her skin. You wonder how many soldiers she killed with her bare hands before they offered her the deal. You wonder how many warriors she lost up on that ridge.

You swallow. In your head, you know Lexa did what she had to do for her people. In your heart, you're furious that she walked away.

You pick up two of the liquor bottles, tuck a dagger into your belt, and walk out of your room. You open Lexa's door without knocking and find that her room is still empty. You open the doors to her balcony. Then you push her couch out the door onto the balcony. You flop down on it and watch the ocean reflect the setting sun.

You have your own balcony, but you – as much as you want to be alone – you don't. You don't want people thanking you or smiling at you or telling you what you did was great and brave. You want someone to sit next to you and shut the hell up. You know Lexa will do that for you.

You take a long drink and stare out at the water. The waves roll in, one after the other, breaking and then building back up. You press your head back into her couch and close your eyes. You don't want to feel anymore. You want it all to go away. Your journey to Polis made your body numb, but your mind was still on. It's your mind's turn to stop.

You have to drink half a bottle before you start to feel it's effects. You hear the door to the room open after the sun is gone. You don't look up. You know she's there. The armoire door opens, there's a rustling, then it closes. You can hear her boots as she walks out to you. She sits are the far end of the couch from you, perfect posture, looking out over the ocean like it's her army that she's ready to give orders to.

You offer her the bottle and she takes it. You watch her gulp down the liquid before handing it back.

You wonder how she does it. You wonder what her body count is. She's been leading a lot longer than you. The clans were at war before they united against the Mountain Men. She was using her sword to strike down her enemies while you were locked in a jail cell in space.

You sigh softly and ask, “How do you make it stop?”

The full moon shines down on her face. You can see her jaw clench. She inhales deeply before answering, “I can't.”

You feel all the hope, what little of it you had left, evaporate. If Lexa—strong, smart, raised for this Lexa—doesn't know how to make the pain stop then there is no hope for you.

You notice that Lexa is wearing a scarf that she wasn't when she left. It's dark green, contrasting with her black clothes. You wonder if she's cold. You're too tired to be cold. You're too drunk to be cold. You're too numb to be cold.

You look out over the ocean. She adds softly, “It's a weight we carry for our people.” She pauses, “I'm sorry that it is a burden you must carry.”

You look up at at the sky. The stars are so small and the moon is so big. You look over at Lexa to find her tired eyes looking back, “I'm sorry about your dad.”

She immediately looks away, “You read the letter.”

“Yeah,” you don't feel sorry about it either. You look out over the ocean, “When did it happen?”

Her posture changes a little and she sinks back into the couch, “While we were at Mount Weather. The letter was waiting for me when I returned.”

“I'm sorry,” you utter again. You know the heartbreak of losing a father. You take another drink then pass the bottle to Lexa, “Did you get to see him often?”

She rests the bottle in her lap, her thumb running over the rim before she takes a long drink. Then she shakes her head, “I was taken away from my parents when I was a child. I only got to see him when I would tour the villages, once a year or so.” She looks over at you, handing the bottle back.

“What happened to your mother?” you almost hate to ask.

“Reapers,” she answers simply.

Something about the ways she says it makes you think that she saw exactly what the reapers had done to her mother. You shake your head. “You didn't ask for any of this.” You're not sure which one of you you're telling.

“It's my destiny,” she softly whispers to the night.

You look out at the ocean. You can hear it crash against the submerged buildings below. She sniffles and you quickly look over at her, but if she's getting emotional, she's hiding it well.

You lean back on the couch, “You were going to let me kill you.”

She turns her eyes to you, holding them, “It was a moment of weakness.”

“You want to die,” you state more than anything.

She shakes her head, trying to deny it, “I live for my people.” She abruptly stands and walks to the railing of the balcony.

Something about the way she does it, makes you worry about her jumping off, though you wish you wanted her to jump. You quickly rise as well, moving next to her. She looks down, but her braids keep her hair out of her face. She's trying to hold everything in. You can see her start to crumble right in front of you. If Lexa can't hold it together, there is no hope for you.

You look at her face. She's so sad and you feel for her, though you try to block it out. You feel the loss of your parents. You feel the weight of an entire mass of people relying on you. You feel what she feels and you can see it on your face. You're the same. You're leaders and your stewards of heavy burdens. You'll feel it the rest of your lives no matter how short that may be.

“Lexa,” you whisper, know that what you're going to do isn't smart or calculated. It's not a head decision. When you grab her shirt, pulling her to you, and kiss her, it's a heart decision. You don't want to be alone anymore. You can't take it by yourself.

The second she starts kissing you back, you step to the side, turning her back to the railing. She puts her hands on it and you kiss her hard. You can taste tears. You don't know who they belong to, but it doesn't stop you.

You grab onto her hips hard and turn her around. You push her backwards, sending the Commander falling onto the couch. She's sitting up when you straddle her lap. You don't know what this is. You kiss her hard trying to make yourself feel better. You want it to go away. You want to stop feeling all this hatred for yourself and for Lexa.

You want to feel something else. Anything else.

She breaks the kiss, her lips moving in a soft pattern from your neck to your cheek to your forehead. When her lips press to your forehead, you completely lose it. You can't hold it together anymore. You start sobbing in her lap, burying your face in her neck.

She doesn't have any sage words for you. She just holds you, her strong arms across your back.

“I hate you,” you whisper harshly in her ear. You want her to believe it.

She just nods slowly. You look sideways at her eyes and see that she understands. You don't want her to understand. You want her to hate you as much as you do. You kiss her hard again, this time forcing her onto her back.

You're rough with her while she's gentle with you. Her touch makes you breathless. You want it too much. You like it too much.

You take her hands off of your and hold her wrists. You pin them above her head, growling in her face, “Don't touch me.”

She looks at you, deep into your eyes and you want it to stop. You can feel that she sees you. She sees every part of you. She can see the dangerous parts and the parts that are broken. She still looks at you like she did when you were a strong leader. She nods silently, adjusting her arms over her head.

“You're not allowed to die,” you try to make your words angry, but they come out desperate, “If I have to live with the things I did then you do too.”

Her jaw clenches when you slip inside of her. She bites her lip and closes her eyes. You wish she didn't look so beautiful. “Look at me,” you command. You want her to look at your face and see how much you hate her.

Her eyes pop open and her gaze meets yours. She does what she's told, looking right into your eyes. When she comes you can see an innocence in her eyes. She's not the Commander under you. She's a teenager trying to make sense of everything.

You can't look at her after that. You stand up and quickly walk back to your room. You fall onto your bed, crying. You crawl under the furs and pull them over your head. You choke on a sob, trying to be as quiet as possible.

You're so overcome with exhaustion that you slip into a fitful sleep. This time your nightmares won't leave you be. You wake with a scream, covered in sweat.

In the dying firelight, you see a dark figure stop in your doorway. Lexa's sword is ready to slay whatever is attacking you, except that what is attacking you is your own brain.

She looks around the room and then lowers her sword. She lingers waiting for you to tell her what you need.

“I'm fine,” you breathe out and wipe your head.

Lexa nods before turning around and leaving without another word. You lay your head back down. How quickly Lexa got to your room makes you feel a little safer sleeping in the new bed.

This time when you get to sleep, it's a little calmer. When you wake up it's on your own without a scream. You roll onto her back under the warm blankets. You sit up and stretch your back.

You realize that a knock on your door woke you up. You cover a yawn and call, “C'min.”

Kalida pokes her head in, her smile permanently on her face, “The Commander thought you that you like use of the shower and some fresh clothes.”

You look down at yourself. You slept in the clothes you've been hiking in for days. You slip out of the bed. “Yeah okay.”

She leads you down the hallway to Lexa's wing and in then into one of the doors that you passed when you were looking for her. It's a large, luxurious bathroom with marble counters and tiles across the entire floor. Kalida tells you how to turn on the water and then hands you a lush towel. She hands you a bar of soap then bows out with a smile.

You completely disrobe and duck your head under the spray. You're not as dirty as you could have been because of your tumble into the lake, but you're dirty enough to feel so much better after a few seconds under the spray. You close your eyes and duck your head. The water feels so good. You wonder how they get the water up to the second floor before rolling your neck. You've been fed, allowed to sleep in a nice bed, and given use of a shower. You should feel better than you have in weeks.

But you don't. You wipe your face and wretch off the water. You grab the towel and dry off. The room is steamy from the heat of the water. You move to the counter where the mirror is. You wipe it off enough to see yourself, but you're not even sure who you're looking at anymore.

You look tired, but you face is tinted pink from the heat. You take a deep breath and call, “Kalida.”

The door opens and Kalida steps in with two pieces of clothing in her hands, like she knew what you were thinking. In one hand, she holds a white piece of fabric that you're sure is a dress. The other is a brown shirt with blue pants. You take the dress and Kalida steps out.

You put the dress on, finding that it's long and flowing. The material is heavy and warm. You open the door to stick your head out and ask Kalida if she has a belt, but she offers you three choices before you can ask. You pick a brown belt and use it shorten the length of the dress. It is a little too long for you, sweeping the ground.

When you get back to your room, you see that your boots have been cleaned and your bed has been made. You slip on your boots and lace them up on the couch in front of the newly stoked fire. Kalida steps in with combs and small bottles of perfume, offering to help you with your hair. You look at her hopeful face and agree. You stick to your usual top pulled back, but let her use braids to keep your hair back instead of just twisted strands of hair.

She's gentle and tells you of your options for breakfast.

“Where's Lexa?” you ask instead of telling her what kind of food you want.

“I believe that she's still in her room,” Kalida answers finishing your braid.

You reach up and touch your hair. The braids on either side of your head join at the back of your hair and join into a braid that goes down the back of your head. It is simple and it's still your style. You thank her.

She gives you directions to where the food is and then tells you that the Commander wishes not to be disturbed. You're going to ignore both of the things she just told you. Then she tells you that if you need her to call for her. Then she exits your room, closing the door behind herself.

You walk to your gift table. There is a sweet bread wrapped in paper that you didn't eat yesterday. You decide that that will be your breakfast. You wash it down with a clear alcohol.

You move to the windows on the wall and push the curtain aside to see that it's overcast. You leave your room, walking slowly down the polished corridor toward Lexa's room.

You open the door without knocking, moving straight into the space that is supposed to only be reserved for the Commander. You spot Lexa immediately. She's changing, her shirt off with a fresh one in her hands. She looks you over tiredly. You can see that she has already showered, her hair still slightly damp and freshly braided in three small rows on both sides of her head.

She turns modestly away from you to pull her shirt on. With her arms over her head, pulling her shirt over her head, you get a good glance at a tattoo on her back, up the left side, parallel to her spin. You see the scars of battle marring her skin before the shirt covers it.

She doesn't say anything to you. She walks to the couch that she moved back into her room and sits down to pull on her boots. She speaks without looking at you, “I want to show you something.”

You don't know if you want to follow her. You're trying to hold onto the hate. It's the only thing holding you together at the moment. But when she doesn't say anything else, just walks past you, then you follow her.

She leads you down the stairs to the first floor. She turns toward the back of the building and then pushes open a heavy door. She holds it open for you, watching you carefully. You step into the long room, lined with bookshelves. A long tables runs through the center of the room with chairs lining it.

Lexa steps into the room and walks to the far end where the only break in the bookcases is a white door. Lexa opens it and waits for you to join her. Again you step in first. The room is much smaller, but it too is lined with books. There are maps on the table in the middle of the room.

You start to browse the shelves, knowing that Lexa's eyes are on you. She pick out a book of poems and look it over. “This is your private collection?”

“Yes,” she answers. She pauses for a beat. She looks like she wants to say something, but instead she just steps out of the room, leaving you to the books.

You're impressed with her collection. She has an entire section of philosophy that you delve into, hoping for some kind of answer. After hours of reading, you don't get any closer to reconciling what you did with how you feel.

All the searching for answers is tiring. It makes you angry. All these people have all these words, but you're sure none of them have lived what they're advocating. You put the books back, picking out new ones.

It's afternoon when you leave the library. All the words have bogged down your mind. You lay down in your bed, thinking about all the things the books you looked through said. It was all too complicated.

You fell into a sleep that was shallow and didn't bring you much rest. When you wake up, the sun is starting to set. You check Lexa's room and find it empty. Then you walk through the library into Lexa's private library. She's standing at the map table, shuffling maps around. There are tools on the table for measuring. It looks like she's planning a trip or an attack. You wonder how much of her new plan involves you. You smile spitefully. Her plans usually don't consider you at all.

You walk right up behind her. She visibly stiffens. One of her hands moves toward her knife, but you grab that hand and her other one, placing them on the table. You whisper in her ear, “You betrayed me.”

Her hands stay on the table, accepting the silent orders. You place your hands on Lexa's hips. You push your hands up her stomach, under her shirt. Her skin is tight over tensing muscles. You can feel her breathing start to crawl deeper into her chest.

Your hands cup her breasts. You roughly brush your palms against them, then knead at the tender skin. On one particularly hard squeeze, you bite down on the curve of her neck. You can feel her gasp.

You move your left hand down her body, pressing hard to her stomach so that you can slide it easily into her pants. Her back arches away from you when you rub her hard between her legs. Her head falls forward. You can see her hands gripping the edge of the table.

You use your own hips to push her into your hand. It's easier this way. You can't see how her mouth falls open in pleasure. You can't see the look in her eyes when she orgasms hard. This time she doesn’t look up at you with all the innocence that is left in her body, reminding you that she's your age and doing the best that she can. Just like you.

“I hate you,” you whisper at her while she leans on the table catching her breath. You take both of your hands out of her clothes and walk out of the library.

You walk out of the Capitol building. Instead of going out into the city you walk around the back of the building. You plan to sit by the ocean, maybe until it swallows you.

You move to the water as it continually beats against the wall. You step onto the wall and look down. You can see sand a few inches into the water. You look out at the buildings that have been overtaken by the ocean. You can tell that they used to be grand buildings that stood tall. Someone worked for years to make them strong and beautiful. Then the ocean stole them.

You sit down on the wall and look at your feet. You can't believe all of the fucked up things that you've done since you landed on Earth. You planned to build a civilization that was based on mercy and peace. You don't know that either one of those things even exist anymore.

Maybe people are just inherently violent whether you hide them away in a mountain, leave them on the earth, or shoot them up into the sky. The only thing you're sure of is that survival is not pretty. It's not nice. It's not fun.

You push off of the wall and land with a splash in the water. The bottom of your white dress soaks up the salty water, pulling down. You wade out to your knees. The water is warmer than you thought, but still very chilly.

You see small fish swim away from you, a titan in their miniscule world. When you get up to your waist you know that there's no way for you to get to the buildings with your feet still on the bottom. You can see some of the top stories of the buildings sticking out of the water. Some of the windows are broken. You wonder if there's anything still inside of them.

As you're wondering about the buildings, you hear a small splash next to you. You look over and see a creature float to the top of the water with an arrow through it's head. It's a long and round like a snake, but it's skin is almost transparent and sharp teeth are exposed from it's circular, open mouth.

You turn around and look at the wall behind you. No one is there. Then you know where the arrow came from. You look up at Lexa's balcony and see her standing there on the railing a bow in her hand. Her face is emotionless as she jumps down onto her balcony, out of your sight.

You decide that maybe the water isn't the safest place. You pull the arrow from the creature and wade back to the wall. Once you're out of the wall, you're a lot colder than before. You ignore the feeling, as you make your way up to Lexa's room.

You've stopped dripping by the time you get there. She's standing by the closed balcony doors, looking out over the ocean. You walk to her, standing behind her with the arrow in your hand. You run the sharp tip of it down the back of her shirt – not hard enough to rip the fabric, but enough that she knows it's there.

You want to tell her that everything that happened at Mount Weather was her fault, but the lie can't make it's way out of your throat. You want to hate her so badly, but you can't. You don't want to care about her, but you do. You want her to hate you, but you know that she doesn't.

Tears flood your eyes and you drop your forehead on her shoulder. When you sniffle, she swiftly turns around, holding you in her arms.

“It's all your fault,” you whisper, maybe to Lexa, maybe to yourself.

She doesn't say anything back. She just squeezes you tighter, making sure that you know she's there. You sob harder, knowing that she's going to keep caring about you no matter what you do, even if you've been using her – even if you don't deserve anyone to care about you anymore.

You feel her bend a little to scoop you up, carrying you like a baby. She sits down on the couch, keeping you in her lap. You lean on her, tears silently trickling out of your eyes. You close your eyes. Your hand grabs the front of Lexa's shirt, balling it in your fist. You just need something to hold onto.

When you look up, Lexa is staring straight into the fire, her jaw rigid. Her posture is perfect, but her arms bend to your body, holding you gently.

You don't feel like you should be allowed to feel this safe. You shouldn't let Lexa comfort you. You deserve to suffer hundreds of terrible deaths like the ones you inflicted on the people in Mount Weather. You don't deserve love.

You shake your head and stand. You wrap your arms around yourself, standing near Lexa. You look down at her and find her looking up at you, waiting for your move. You don't know what you're doing. You take a step away. You move to the doors to the balcony and find that it's snowing again. You touch the glass of the door. The glass frosts around your fingers from the heat. You drop your hand, turning around.

You walk to the table with the models of the land. You look over the camp where your friends are, where your mom is. You touch the small, fallen Ark. You trail your fingers along the forest over the tops of the pointed trees to Mount Weather. You take your hand away from it. Even though it's small, it takes you back to the real thing – all those people, all those peeling faces.

You sit on the bed, feeling defeated. You look over at Lexa hoping that she can impart some of her Commander wisdom on you that will make you understand how you feel. You look her over. She's just standing in front of you, no armor, no weapons. She's just Lexa in front of you. You wonder how many people she can actually be just Lexa in front of. You're sure you can count them on one hand.

You look at her eyes, studying you. Without her warpaint she looks so young. She's not that statue of strength for her people. The girl standing in front of you is just a girl who looks like she's trying to find the best way to make you whole again.

It makes you feel things for her that feel nice and you don't want to do that. You want to hate her. You want to blame everything on her because it's all crushing you. “It's all your fault,” you tell her while you look into her eyes because you think that it'll make you believe it. It doesn't.

She just nods, her eyes closing for a beat, “Okay.”

“Okay?” you ask, quirking your eyebrow.

She meets your eyes. “It's my fault.” She takes a step closer to you. You feel like you're being attacked so you stand. “I forced your hand. I could have stayed. I could have fought. You wouldn't have had to kill everyone in the Mountain.”

Every word she says stabs into your chest. Not because you believe them, but because everything would be so much easier if she was right. She starts to speak again, but you shove her away, “Stop.”

She takes a step back, but doesn't even seem like you threw her off at all. She stands with her hands at her sides, not moving or even trying to protect herself. She step up to her, getting close to her face because you know your quivering voice won't make it far. “You left me.”

Her hard stare falls and she looks away from you. You won't let her. You growl, “Look at me.”

Her eyes move back to you. You can see that you hurt her and you won't stop. “You told me you cared about me. You lied to my face and then you left me.”

She narrows her eyes at you, “I did not lie.”

“Then how could you leave me?” you can feel your whole body start to shake. You have to get away from Lexa. You never thought about it like that before. You never thought that some of the hurt you're feeling, the angry feelings you have toward Lexa, could be that she not only left Mount Weather without your people, striking a deal with the enemy. She walked away from you. After everything, she walked away from _you_.

Lexa looks away again. She's wounded now. You can see it in her eyes. She clenches her jaw and her fists. You watch her swallow. You feel bad about what you said. You know she wouldn't have walked away from you if she wasn't trying to protect her people. You know that walking away from you was hard for her. You know she cared about you then and cares about you now.

You sit back down on the bed and drop your face into your hands. When you look up Lexa is shirtless in front of you with a knife in her hand. For the first time you look at her naked upper body from the tattoo on her arm, to the scars on the right side of her abdomen. The blade is between her fingers when she hands you the knife. “If I am responsible for the deaths in Mount Weather, then tradition says that I deserve scars for each and every death.”

When you take the knife from her, she lays down on the bed, face down. Her bare back is presented for you to mark with every death that you believe is her fault. You hold the knife in your hand. You could mark her. You could give her a mark for every death in Mount Weather. You could kill her on her own bed.

You move toward her body. You're on your knees next to her, knife in hand. She's given you control over her – over her body, over her life. You could be judge and jury right now. You could decide what she is responsible for. You could decide that she's not fit to live on the world anymore.

But you want it to be her fault. You move to knife to her back, the sharp tip resting on her skin. You want her to hurt because you hurt.

You try to press down, but you can't. You press your free hand to her back. Her back is smooth and mostly unmarred by tattoos or scars. You run your fingers up her spine. If you don't cut her, it means that it's all your fault and that knowledge is crushing.

You look at the knife in your hand. Your voice breaks when you say her name. She looks over her shoulder at you. Her eyes are understanding. You're sure this was her plan all along. She's trying to help you understand and you can only understand if you know where the loathing is coming from.

The anger wells up in you again. You're angry at yourself, but it's so much easier to be angry with Lexa. You're angry that she's right or that she's trying to teach you a lesson or that she's trying to help you figure things out and it's all stupid and it's all irrational, but you're fucking angry. And she's laying right there.

You grab her hips and turn her onto her back. Her breasts are exposed to you, but that's not enough. You want her as naked as you feel. You take off the rest of her clothes with no grace. Then you look at her completely vulnerable to you. She just watches your face, seemingly unafraid of you. She's naked and defenseless. You have a knife and an insane amount of anger.

But her gaze is steady. She's still waiting for you. She's waiting to see what you're going to do and whatever it is, she's going to let you do it. She could easily overpower you. She could take the knife from you in the blink of an eye. She could have pushed you away in the library. She could you thrown you over the balcony with little effort, but she never has.

You can see scars on her torso. A lifetime's worth of fighting has been packed into a few years for Lexa. You see a small line of scars on her ribcage. You run your fingers over them, “What are these?”

“Kills,” Lexa answers, “Before I took control as the Commander.”

“Why don't you get them after?” you look up at her face, your hand still pressed to her ribs.

She pauses, wetting her lips before she tells you, “A Commander does not have enough skin to account for all they've done to protect their people in times of war.”

The knife in your hand drops to the ground. You can't hurt her. You need to stop trying.

You move yourself on top of her and kiss her. You want her to show you how to be strong. You want her to show you how to not fall apart because you're crumbling so completely and you can't stop.

She kisses you back so gently. For someone who has been hardened by loss and the burden of leadership, she kisses you so fucking softly. You grab onto her hips and roll onto your back, pulling her on top of you. Her long, lean muscles easily makes sure that she's not hurting you with her body.

It all brings tears to your eyes. You've told her that you hate her for days. You've blamed her for terrible things. You're still trying to hate her because hate is easy.

When you start to taste your own tears on Lexa's mouth, you push down on her shoulder. You don't want her to kiss you like that – like you're fragile and beautiful. She seems to understand and moves with your guiding hand. You both pull the bottom of your long dress to your waist. She places soft kisses on the inside of your thigh that hurt more than a knife because the kisses she places are so tender.

You don't want her to be sweet. You want her to ravage you. Your hand moves to the back of her head and you grab a fistful of your hair firmly guiding her to where you need her. When she tastes you for the first time, your eyes snap shut. She understands that you don't want her to spend hours pleasuring you. You want her to throw you into a deep pleasure as quickly as possible. Maybe for a moment it'll make the pain disappear again.

When you come, your whole body is a riot. Your back arches. Your stomach muscles tighten. When you close your eyes, all you see is a magnificent swirl of colors.

She sits back on her knees, her hands resting gently on your parted thighs. She's looking at you, studying you, _worried_ about you. You don't want her to be sweet. You try to tell her that you hate her, but the words won't even make it to the back of your tongue. The fire behind her makes her glow and you hate how beautiful she is because it makes you want to kiss her and as much as you want to kiss her, you're still punishing her…. or yourself.

You push your dress down and slide off of the bed. She sits silently on the end of the bed, just watching you go.

When you get back to your room, you know that it's not the room you want to be in. You want to be anywhere else. But you crawl into bed anyway. You lay under the furs and blankets. It's warm.

You try to sleep, but when you close your eyes you see Lexa's look of concern. When you open your eyes, you see Dante Wallace standing on the other side of your balcony door bleeding from his chest. You pull the blankets over your head, telling yourself that he's not there. As you whisper to yourself, you can see your mom screaming as they take the marrow from her body.

Then all those bodies invade your room. When you poke your head out of the blankets, there's one right next to you raw and pink, still dying from the inside out. You open your mouth to scream, but nothing comes out.

When you quickly sit up, scrambling out of the bed, you realize it was all a dream. There's no one in your room. The fire is blazing the old fireplace. You move to the corner of your room and lean back into it. You're so goddamn tired.

It takes you a few minutes of just staring at the closed balcony door for you to start moving. You walk in the dark corridor to Lexa's room. The door is closed, but you open it, slipping in. You close the door behind you and lean back on it.

Lexa is under the blankets in her bed, the small fire lighting up her resting form. You look at the fire and add another log from the pile next to the balcony door. The fire is reengerized and starts to reach higher in the fireplace. You walk around the room, pacing in front of the bed.

Finally you walk to the side of the bed. You pick up the blankets behind her and lay down. Your arm finds it's way around her waist. She's still as naked as you left her.

You know she's awake, but she doesn't move. You press your lips to the back of her shoulder, just needing some contact with her skin. After a moment, you utter, “I want to hate you.”

She doesn't hesitate to answer, “So hate me.”

You swallow the lump in your throat that won't go away. You tilt your head back so that your chin can rest on her shoulder, Your voice threatened to give way when you squeak out, “I can't.”

She doesn't say anything back. She doesn't have any words of wisdom passed down from commander to commander. She hugs your arm tighter around her and places her arm on top of yours. You take that as a sign to just go to sleep and maybe things will hurt a little less tomorrow.

You only wake up once in the night and it's because Lexa apparently experience nightmares you like you. Her whole body goes rigid when she wakes up. You softly ask her if she's okay. She tells you that she is, then you both go back to sleep.

The next time you wake up, Lexa is absent from the bed, but you can hear her moving around. You sit up and see her at her armoire. She's dressed in pants and a shirt already, sorting through the things in her armoire.

You look straight ahead and see the model of the land. You don't get out of bed when you ask, “What happens to Mount Weather?”

“It is your victory,” Lexa clips her sword onto her bed, “Mount Weather belongs to you.”

You shake your head. You never want to go back there, “I don't want it. You can have it.” You sit up and watch her put a coat on.

“There are many weapons and supplies in Mount Weather,” Lexa straightens out her coat, looking at you before picking up her belt. “Are you sure those would not serve your people?” She pauses, “Mount Weather is a fortress. In times of war, it could be invaluable.”

“What do you mean war?” you ask, turning toward her. “Isn't there an alliance between the clans? Isn't there peace?”

“There is for now,” Lexa evenly answers you. “But there are people who use times like these to attack.”

“You have someone in mind?” you tilt your head.

You see Lexa's shirt expand in a deep breath, “The Ice Queen is always looking to expend her reach. I have spies watching her.”

You wish your mind didn't slip back into being the leader of the Sky People so quickly. You have to ask, “Do you think my people are in danger?”

“Not now,” Lexa assures you, picking up her dagger off of the ground next to the bed where you dropped it. She walks to the door, “I'll be back before dark.”

You watch her walk away. You lay back on the bed and look at the ceiling. No matter what you do, no matter how many battles you win, it'll never be enough. They'll never stop. There will always be war and pain. You lay on your side. Why even try? Why don't you just stay in Polis and be as happy as you can for as long as you can before someone inevitably kills you?

You shake your head. You don't deserve the happiness. The second you took charge of the 100 kids that fell from the sky, was the second you gave up any right you had to be happy.

By the time Lexa gets back, you're in some of her clothes you found in the armoire and pacing the room. She looks expectantly at you as she unbuckles her belt.

“We have to get the supplies from Mount Weather to Camp Jaha,” you tell her the only conclusion you managed to get to even though you wanted it to go in any other direction.

Lexa shrugs off her coat, hanging it up in her armoire, “We?”

“Yes we,” you snap at her, “You owe me.”

Lexa closes the armoire. She paces one in front of the fire and you know she's thinking like a Commander. She finally turns to you. “You'll have to speak to the council. It would mean another alliance.”

“Who cares?” you shrug, “You don't take those very seriously anyway.” It was an unnecessary jab at her. You can tell that it stung, but you can't bring it in yourself to take it back.

She sets her jaw, putting your shot at her behind her. She inhales through her nose, “What would you want out of this alliance?”

“Protection,” you tell Lexa. You know this isn't just a talk with Lexa. This is negotiations with the commander. You know you don't get something for nothing so you offer, “We can share the supplies in Mount Weather. We'll get Mount Weather functioning again. It can be an outpost for all the clans. We can train doctors and mechanics.”

Lexa looks at the ground, thinking it over. “I'll call a meeting of the clans. If they agree, you'll have your alliance.” She moves her eyes to you, “How do you know your people will agree to this?”

“I'll make them see that we need it,” you answer her. As far as warfare goes, when your people are out of bullets, they're defenseless. There's only so many people Octavia and Lincoln can take out before they're overwhelmed. You're sure they've been training people, but not all Sky People can take to combat like Octavia. They're not ready for a legion of people raised to fight.

Lexa nods. She moves to the door. Lexa calls for Kalida. You hear her give Kalida instructions in Trigedasleng. You hear her specifically say Indra's name. Indra was never a fan of the Sky People to begin with. Octavia was the only reason Indra gave you all a chance and now that Octavia deserted her in battle, you don't think she's going to be supportive of the alliance.

When Kalida leaves, you sit on the edge of the bed, “What should I wear to the meeting?”

Lexa walks to her armoire. She looks through it and then turns to you, “We can go to the market if you would like something else.”

You stand up and move next to her. You want to touch her because you find comfort in her arms, but you're still hiding behind your wall that's no longer made of anger. You don't know what it is. It's a mix of fear and self-loathing. You don't think it's right for you to find comfort with Lexa. Not yet.

You don't want to go out into the market. Everything in her closet is clean and hanging neatly. You know she's not in charge of what is in her armoire, but everything seems appropriate to Lexa. But you can't wear it because of that reason. If you want this alliance to be taken seriously, it can't look like the pillow talk plans of two lovers. It has to look strategic and you have to look like a representative of your people. You have to be _heda kom skaikru_.

“I have to wear my own clothes,” you answer. You think about where they are and realize that you don't know. You ask Lexa. She calls Kalida again who tells you both that your clothes were cleaned and put in your room. You ask her about your jacket and she has no idea about it. You weren't wearing your blue jacket when you got to Polis.

“I left it in that village,” you look from Kalida to Lexa, “Where they gave me your sword.”

Lexa looks interested in the story of how you ended up in that village. She never asked how you got to Polis. You don't know if you want to tell her. You settle for telling her they were kind to you there and gave you a coat of furs.

Lexa looks to Kalida telling her in Trigedasleng to send someone to retrieve it. She adds something else and then Kalida smiles and walks away.

“What did you tell her?” you ask, moving to the couch and falling back on it.

Lexa folds her hands behind her back and walks to the balcony, “That they were to be thanked and rewarded for treating you so well.”

You don't ask how they'll be rewarded. You move on to the more important questions, “There are bodies inside of Mount Weather.”

It's not really a question, but it's something that Lexa understands. “We can remove them.”

“And burn them?” you ask, knowing how grounders dispose of bodies. You can remember the smell of the villagers Finn killed. It makes you nauseous.

“Returning them to the earth and sky,” she nods.

You look down, “What about murderer and murdered joined by fire?”

Her head whips around to look at you. She settles the bold emotions on her face to mild concern, “You did what you had to do. You're a great leader, Clarke.”

“I'm a monster,” you whisper.

Lexa squares her body to yours. “I've seen monsters. You are no such thing.” She looks away with a small, humorless smile on her face.

“What?” you ask, wondering what in all of this she finds to smile about.

She looks away from you, turning to the door, “If you think of yourself as a monster, it worries me to know what you think of me.”

The words come out of your mouth before you can even think, “You're not a monster.”

“Then neither are you,” she answers smoothly, meeting your eyes.

Before you can say anything back, Kalida appears in the doorway. She speaks in quick Trigedasleng. Lexa just nods and then Kalida leaves. Lexa looks at you, “Would you like to see where the meeting will be?”

You nod. It would be good to get a layout and place a claim on a position close to Lexa. You walk next to her down the corridor from her bedroom, down the stairs, and into a door close to the front of the building. It opens up to a massive room with old desks in rows through the room. A large rectangular table is situated near the back of the room. Kalida is laying maps out on it.

You look up and see a row of second story balconies overlooking the room. Four marble columns seems to hold up the edge of the ceiling, beautifully chiseled into elegant swirls at the top. “What was this place?”

“This is where they used to make laws,” Kalida explains with a wistful smile, “The leaders came there to discuss how best to govern their people.” She looks around like it's the greatest place left on earth.

You look over at Lexa to see if she's as enchanted. She's not. She moves to a throne that looks like a larger, more ornate version of the one she sat in while you were negotiating for your people the first time. When she sits down, her Commander face is on. It frightens you a little bit how she can turn it on and off.

You stand in the middle of the floor and look at Lexa, “Where do I sit?”

Lexa slowly looks at the seat to her right. You move to the chair and sit down. It's worn, and groans when you sit down, but it's comfortable and the form of it makes you feel powerful. Kalida leaves the room so you feel safe to speak freely. You take a deep breath. “Will they go for this?”

Lexa nods confidently, “Word of your victory has reached all of the clans. You have done something none of us could do for years. They would be fools to not want to align themselves with such a power.”

You sit back in your chair and look straight ahead. You think again about how many grounders the Mountain Men killed. You think about how many grounders they turned into monsters. You think about how they made the grounds kill the ones they loved because they could no longer control themselves.

You think about the faces of the children who died by your hand. You think about the toys they were playing with and the food they were eating. You think about the parents who watched their children die. Your face hardens. You look at Lexa. You want to hate her. You want to blame her. You want to give her some of the credit for the fall of Mount Weather.

You both sit in silence for a long while. You don't know what Lexa is thinking about, but you're thinking about what it means to take Mount Weather. You've not only taken the lives of everyone in the mountain, but you're going to take their resources. You don't know how you feel about that. Something about it feels wrong.

You worry about what happens when you go back to Mount Weather. It's hard for you to not have flashbacks when you're the farthest away from Mount Weather that you've ever been. When you go back, you know it's not going to be easy.

Kalida comes back in with your jacket. It's more clean that it was when you landed on earth. You thank her and put it on. You feel a little more like yourself with it on. Of course you're still wearing the white dress.

“I have to go change,” you stand up, announcing to Lexa.

Lexa keeps her hands on the arms of her throne. “Kalida will come get you when everyone is here.”

Once you're changed, you lay on your bed staring at the ceiling. You've only have a few days off. Or what you're pretty sure is a few days. You haven't had long to stop being a leader and now you're jumping into it again. You don't know how much longer you can do this. You feel so beat down.

You don't realize how long you've been laying there until Kalida's soft voice tells you that Lexa requests your presence. You stand up, straighten your jacket, take a deep breath, and follow her back down to the meeting room.

The leaders of the clans are all significantly more happy than they were last time you saw them. When you walk in, you'd think Lexa walked into the room again. They all look at you like you're about to impart some of the wisest advice in the world. You glance up at the balconies and see some of Lexa's guards. You spot Indra standing on the balcony near the wall with her arms crossed. You can never tell what she's thinking. You look away so you don't look intimidated.

You walk to your empty seat next to Lexa. She's looking at you, waiting for you to give her some sign that you're ready. You nod subtly. Lexa stands and everyone falls silent.

“Clarke of the Sky People has come back from Mount Weather victorious,” Lexa states and pauses. Some of the leaders cheer. The other ones give you proud looks of admiration. Lexa continues when they're done, “She is proposing a new alliance between the twelve clans and the Sky People. There is peace on the ground for the first time in almost a century. Now is the time to build. We all have much to learn from each other.” Lexa looks to you, her face remaining neutral. You wish you could speak like her with all the confidence that she has. She always has the right words for the people around her.

She looks back at the group of leaders in front of her, “All in favor of an alliance with the Sky People say aye.”

The ayes are overwhelming. Not because they're loud, but because it comes out of everyone's mouth. You even hear Indra join in behind you. You let out a sigh of relief, knowing that for a while, your people will be safe.

“Tonight we feast,” Lexa states, “Tomorrow, we reclaim Mount Weather for the ground.”

Everyone goes over the details of the logistics of Mount Weather. You don't even have to argue for supplies because everyone agrees you and your people should have the most. Everyone agrees that Mount Weather will be shared among the clans. It's at a good place in the land where it can be used as a halfway point for some clans when they travel. It can also be used as a place to say for the clans that live farther away as well as an emergency shelter for your people.

The meeting itself only takes about an hour. After that the leaders are all ready to celebrate. You put on a smile and go with them out the front doors of the Capitol. While you were all talking a large table was set up down the stairs from the building. Food is being cooked and torches are lit. Drinks are being poured. The people of Polis are already milling around. The middle of the table is reserved for the leaders. You stick close to Lexa because if you have a freak out where you start seeing dead bodies that aren't there, you want someone close who understands.

The two of you sit down next to each other, mostly keeping to yourselves. You both drink more than you should. It loosens you up a little bit and you find yourself genuinely smiling. The grounder leaders are more human that you remember them. They're joking with you. Only one person asks you how you took out Mount Weather and once you very dryly explain it to them, no one asks you again. You think its because Lexa keeps glaring at people when they start to walk up to you. You're thankful for it though. You don't want to have to talk about it anymore.

When you're full and have had a little too much to drink, you lean over to Lexa and whisper in her ear, “I'm going to go lay down. Long day tomorrow.”

It's a lame excuse, but she nods understandingly. You make your way back into the Capitol building. Instead of going to your room, you go to Lexa's. You kick off your boots and lay down in her bed. Dread settles onto you like the fur blankets. Tomorrow you're going back to Mount Weather and you know you're not ready.

The door opens to the room. You don't move to see who it is. You just lay in the bed waiting for Lexa to get in the bed or tell you to leave.

The sound of metal scraping against metal jerks you out of your stagnant stupor. You sit up and find that it is not Lexa at the door. It's a small scrawny man with a short sword. He looks menacingly at you.

“Who are you?” you can tell by the look in his eye that he's not here to for any purpose that's not nefarious.

He doesn't answer you. He just advances on the bed. You look around for something to defend yourself with. Your sword is in your room. Lexa's sword is on her hip. All of the knives you were give at in your room as well. You don't have anything to defend yourself with.

You see a form appear in the doorway. Kalida looks inside the room at your panicked face before screaming, “Heda!”

The man starts moving more quickly, knowing that he doesn't have much time. You stand on the bed, ready to jump away from him. He makes a stab for you barely missing your leg. You kick him in the face and jump down on the opposite side of the bed from him.

He goes for broke, diving across the bed at you. You scramble toward the balcony doors, throwing them open and stepping outside into the cold. He runs at you, backing you against the railing.

He raises his sword, ready to cut you down when a sword hacks into his leg from behind. Lexa looks furious when the man crumples. She kicks the sword out of his hand and grabs his collar dragging him out of her room, leaving a trail of blood along the marble floor.

You can hear her yelling in Trigedasleng. It's more of a roar. It's angry and it's terrifying. You walk to the door and see Lexa push the man over the railing of the balcony in front of the front door. The man lands on the first floor with a sickening thud. Lexa yells again and you know that there are people gathered at the door.

She points her bloodied sword at the door. You hear running and yelling.

Lexa looks back toward you, her face softening. She quickly moves to you and looks you over. She touches your face and looks into your eyes, “Are you alright?”

You nod, “Who was that?”

“An assassin,” Lexa answers harshly. She drops her hand from your face. You see movement behind her. When she turns around, Indra and a guard are standing there. Lexa looks at Indra, “Who did this?”

“The Ice Queen is gone, Heda,” Indra answers, “It seems she sent an assassin to kill the _Heda Kom Skaikru._ ” Indra's eyes flicker to you then back to Lexa.

“This treachery will not be tolerated,” Lexa is fuming. She waves her hand at the guard then points to you. She calls for Kalida who she tells to take you to your room.

“Lexa,” you call as she starts to walk away.

She stops, turning around toward you. Her fists clench and unclench.

You lick your lips. You don't know how to ask her to stay with you in front of all these people.

“I'll be right back,” she assures you, knowing what you're thinking. She turns around, moving swiftly down the corridor with Indra at her side.

Kalida gently touches your arm, “We should go to your room where you'll be safe.”

You start to walk with Kalida to your room until you realize that maybe Lexa was the target. You were in her room. You were in her bed. You take off running away from Kalida. The guard follows you, easily keeping up.

When you step out of the top of the stairs, Indra is giving orders. Lexa is giving a menacing stare to the terrified people of Polis. You decide to use your new found power to drive the point home that the treachery will not be allowed. When it looks like you're about the speak, the crowd goes quiet. You yell so that everyone can hear you, “This alliance is stronger than a traitor. This is a time for peace, but if there must be another battle before we can start creating a society without bloodshed then so be it.” You look around, having everyone's rapt attention. “I wiped out the Mountain Men. A handful of traitors will be no problem.”

“If you attack Clarke of the Sky People,” a woman in the middle of the feast area calls to the crowds, “You attack the Boat People.”

The leaders of the other clans join in, telling everyone that they stand with you. You can't believe that you have that many people on your side. Even Indra threatens any traitors still stupid enough to be around.

Finally everyone looks at Lexa. She thinks for a moment then opens her mouth, “We are one now. There will be people who want to break us – people who do not want peace. We have been at war for too long. We are strong. We will not let anyone threaten us.” Lexa pauses, “We will not let anyone stop us from celebrating.”

A cheer erupts from the crowd. Everyone moves back to the feast and you follow Lexa back into the Capitol.

“Everything has to keep going as planned,” you tell Lexa ask you walk up the stairs. The assassin's body is gone. You're not sure where it went or who took it, but it's gone.

Lexa nods, “Nothing can threaten the alliance.”

“Do you think my people will be okay until we get there?” you voice a worry that's been in the back of your head.

“Would you like me to send scouts to their camp?” Lexa asks walking up the stairs next to you.

You nod, “Please.”

When you get to the balcony facing the front door of the Capital that bridges your corridor with Lexa's, she stops. She calls Indra who steps in. “Send your fastest scouts to the Sky People camp.”

Indra pauses in the doorway, “What message do I give the scouts for the Sky People?”

Lexa looks to you. They're your people. It's your message, “Tell them that we'll be there soon with supplies and reinforcements. Make sure that the scouts tell Octavia about the threat. She'll know what to do and who to tell.”

You see a flash of sadness in Indra's eyes before she ducks out of the building. You know that she walked away from someone as well after the Battle of Mount Weather.

The blood trail is gone from the floor in the corridor, but you and Lexa go to your room anyway. There are two guards posted outside of the door and Kalida is inside, putting away clothes for you. She apologizes for still being in the room. You tell her that it's fine, but she still scampers out.

You walk to the bed and fall on it. No matter what happens the blows just keep coming. You guess the good news is that you're not dead yet. Maybe that's good news. You're not sure anymore.

You hear the scratch of the couch on the floor. You look up to see Lexa turning the couch so that it's facing the door. She takes her sword out of her belt, sits down, and places her sword across her lap. The look on her face is still completely furious. You fear for anyone who dares come into your room without knocking.

You wonder how much of her vigilance is because of Costia. Maybe Costia was abducted the same way. Maybe the Ice Nation took Costia from Lexa's bedroom. Maybe it was during a feast when everyone was preoccupied. The Ice Nation is back in Polis because Lexa believed in an alliance that would bring peace.

You get up off of the bed and move to the couch, sitting at the far end of the couch from Lexa. You lean back on the arm of the couch, facing Lexa. “Do you want to go back down to the party?”

She looks away from the door so you can see she's listening to you, “Do you?”

You know that diplomatically, you should probably show your face – show you're not scared. But you know that it's dangerous and Lexa won't do anything, but stand next to you trying to figure out who needs to pay for your attempted assassination.

A knock on the door stops your answer. Lexa stands, walking to the door herself to open it. You can see Indra standing there. You hear Indra's report as Lexa does. The Ice Queen left Polis before the assassination attempt. A few Ice Nation warrior were detained, but the rest slipped out of the city. It's not looking good for them.

You stand you, actively joining the conversation. You call Kalida who appears almost instantly. “Can you gather all the other leaders? Take them to the meeting room.” She glances at Lexa who nods, affirming your orders.

“Will you sit at our table?” Lexa asks Indra.

Indra nods firmly. “Are we still leaving for Mount Weather in the morning?”

This time Lexa looks to you. Your eyes move the Indra. There's really only one answer. You nod. You don't get time to freak out or shut down. You are a leader even if you don't want to be.

You, Lexa, and Indra walk down to the meeting room where some of the leaders are already gathered. Everyone gets out of Lexa's way when she walks to her throne. She sits down, looking at all the people around her. You take your place next to her, looking for treacherous eyes among the other leaders.

When the doors close, no one says anything immediately. Finally one of the leaders, a hulking man with scars across his neck, stands, “The Boat People are ready to attack the Ice Nation, Heda.”

An older woman stands, “So are the Sand People.”

“The River Clan will stand with the Commander against the Ice Nation.”

There are other pledges to follow Lexa headlong into war. You look up at her. You can see that she's angry, she trying to hold a stone front, but you can also see the dread. She doesn't want to start a war anymore than you do.

You look at the map on the table. You can see where the Ice Nation is situated. They're isolated up north of the other clans. You ask the group, “What kind of resources do they get from the other clans? Can we cut them off?”

Everyone looks at each other. The River Clan's leader nods, “But we trade them for food. My people will go hungry if we stop trading with the Ice Nation.”

“Does anyone have more than enough food?” you ask. There are a few nods. You look at the leader of the River Clan, a boy a few years older than you who looks visibly nervous. “We will keep your people fed. There is food in Mount Weather and we can all hunt more.” You look at all the other leaders, letting out a small smile, “I mean we don't have the Mountain Men to worry about anymore, right?”

The other clan leaders smile with you, reminded of what you did and how they no longer have to deal with the machine gun wielding men in hazmat suits. They all agree to send out extra hunting teams and work out a schedule to take the food to the River Clan. These are all people that were agitated during the assault on Mount Weather and hard to negotiate with, but they work well together now.

The Boat People leader calls toward the door. A young woman steps in the door with two bottles of liquor followed by a boy carrying glasses. You all toast together to the alliance. A guard tastes your both yours and Lexa's drinks before you get to drink them, but when you do everyone is all smiles.

You make plans to leave with the Woods Clan in the morning. Then all the leaders walk out back into the feast to try again. You and Lexa are left in the meeting room, sitting next to each other with a bottle of liquor between you.

“You are good at this, Clarke,” Lexa tells you without looking at you.

You inhale and exhale. You know that you are. You're good at finding compromises and weaknesses. You're smart. You still have a lot to learn. You wish you were as brave as Lexa. You wish you were as strong as Lexa.

She pours another drink for the two of you and offers you a small toast, “To peace.”

“To peace,” you tap your glass with hers and take a drink.

You see her lean back in her chair. She lets out a deflating breath. “Who was the leader of your clan before you?”

“My mom,” you answer. You've tried not to think about her. You wonder if she's okay. You worry about her in the back of your mind. You're kind of relieved to be able to see her, but you don't know how long you can stay at Camp Jaha.

“Did she teach you how to be a leader?” Lexa asks, looking over at you.

You nod. She did teach you to be a leader more or less. She raised you. Along with your father, she taught you the person that you are. She forced you to grow up when she sent you to the ground. She challenged you when she taught you were wrong, teaching you to dig in your heels when you know you're right.

“Do you ever...” Lexa pauses and swallows. She looks away from you, “Do you ever wonder if she's...proud of you?”

You take a deep breath and tell the truth, “All the time.” You know why Lexa asks. You touch Lexa's forearm, “Anya would have been so proud of you.”

Lexa's head drops. She leans away from you in her chair, putting her chin in her hand, “I don't know.” She shakes her head and stands.

You wonder how Lexa would feel if she knew how Anya died. You wonder how she'd feel if she knew the woman who taught her to lead and how to fight was gunned down by your people. You feel sick all over again. You stand with her. Your hand goes to her waist when she starts to walk away. “Lexa, I have to tell you-”

She shakes her head, “Don't.” She keeps moving away from you, walking out of the meeting room.

The way she spoke...it seems like she knows how Anya died. You wonder how she knows. You wonder when she found out. Maybe she just suspects. Maybe she thinks that you killed Anya.

You stand alone in the grand room and wonder how Lexa does it. You wonder how she puts her personal feelings aside to make alliances with the people that killed Costia and Anya. From what Lexa has told you those were the two people who were the closest to her. You wonder how she killed Gustus according to the grounder code when you know he was fiercely loyal to her. You wonder how she put her feelings about her father dying aside so that she could broker another alliance. You wonder what would happen to her if something happened to Indra. You wonder if that would be something Lexa could survive.

You finish your drink and decide to head to bed for the night. Tomorrow will be a long and trying day. You need as much rest as you can possibly get. When you get to your room, the guards are still there. Your hope that Lexa is inside is dashed. You think about going to her room, but you don't know if you want to do that. You keep trying to tell yourself that you don't deserve the comfort that you get with Lexa. You keep trying to punish yourself for all of the evil things that you've done. You used to think that you were better that the grounders and better than the Mountain Men. There's no way to think that anymore. Dante and Cage killed Grounders so that their people could survive. You killed the Mountain Men so that your people could survive. Lexa left you for dead so that her people could survive. Of all the kill counts in the Mountain Men conflict, Lexa's body count is the lowest.

You bow your head. You never thought of it like that. She didn't outright kill you. She could have...multiple times over.

As much as you don't want to admit it, you are just like Dante, just like Cage. You mind less admitting that, you're just like Lexa. What you did was your own. You can't blame anyone else for that. You can say you were backed into a corner by Lexa and Cage, but in the end, you executed all of them.

You move to your balcony door and open it. The cold wind hits you hard, but you push past it. You lean on the railing, looking across the dark ocean. You look toward Lexa's room and see her doing the same thing you are. She's leaning on the railing, looking up at the sky.

You follow her gaze, looking into the starry night. You don't look up at the sky much anymore. You don't want to think of what your life was like up there. Of course, your life on the ground isn't much better. Instead of being trapped in a cell, you're trapped in a role that you never asked for.

When you look back at Lexa's balcony, she's gone. You look down and shuffle inside yourself. When you crawl into the bed, you have to fight your way into sleep. It's not easy because you can feel your anxiety skyrocket the more you think about what is going to happen tomorrow.

And when you wake up, you don't feel rested at all. Kalida comes to get you, telling you that the shower is open and breakfast is ready. She has a small glass jar of black paint in her hand. You know that that means Lexa is going to be in full armor with paint on her face. You ask Kalida to bring your some armor as well. She looks delighted and walks you to the bathroom before disappearing into Lexa's room.

When you get out of the shower, your clothes are on the counter. You try not to think about what is going to happen. You're going to have to camp at Mount Weather for at least one night. You won't be able to get to Mount Weather in a day. It'll take two. Then you'll set up camp. You'll sleep or at least try to. Then you have to supervise the clearing out of the bodies. You can't imagine what it's going to smell like or what it's going to look like. You hope you can make it through the whole process.

After you're dressed, you retreat to your room to gather your things. There's a worn backpack on your bed that you're sure Kalida left for you. You put all of your gifts into it. You keep every token of appreciation that the people of Polis have given you. You wear the necklace that the young warrior gave you.

You look around your room one last time, wondering if you'll ever see it again. You don't have a plan after you take the supplies to Camp Jaha. You don't know if you even want to make it past that.

You do your hair yourself, braiding it the way that Kalida did and then sling the backpack over your shoulder.

Lexa is waiting for you on the balcony in the corridor that overlooks the front door of the Capitol building. You can hear talking near the door. There's a large group of grounders in the entryway, all talking and planning together. Lexa is in full battle armor, warpaint on her face. She's fully transformed into the Commander of the grounders. She's no longer Lexa. She can no longer afford to be.

Maybe you can't either. Maybe you need to leave Clarke behind. Mabye you can just be the _Heda Kom Skaikru_. You stand next to Lexa, looking over the grounders.

Lexa hands you your sword that was hooked on her belt next to her own. You take it from her. You hook it onto your belt. You look down at the grounds warriors, knowing that they can't hear you. “Lexa, I...when we get to Mount Weather I don't know if I can...”

“You don't have to go inside if you do not want to,” she offeres with a strong voice, “You may ride straight to the Sky People camp if you wish.”

“No,” you shake your head, “I need to-” You pause, “I need to see it.”

“I do not know what good can come of that,” Lexa offers, glancing at you.

You shake your head, “Probably none.”

“You are braver than you think, Clarke,” she tells you and you find yourself loving that way that she says your name, “Your people are lucky to have you.”

You don't have a reply to that. You don't know if they're lucky. You think that maybe you were the best pick out of a barrel full of bad options.

“Why are all these people coming?” you ask. A rotunda full of people seems excessive to clean out a mountain of dead people.

“The more people, the more quickly it will go,” Lexa answers, “Some will stay at Mount Weather while others will leave Mount Weather to go to their homes.”

“Heda?” Kalida asks from behind you.

You both turn around although she is only addressing Lexa. There is another girl with her, older than you and Lexa, but not by much.

Lexa looks to the girl who has black paint streaked diagonally across her face with all the armor of a grounder warrior. You recognize her as one of the grounders that wandered out of Mount Weather after Lexa's deal. You wonder how she's going to handle going back. Lexa addresses her, “Echo, ready the horses.”

“Yes, Heda,” the girl nods and walks away.

After that everything starts moving forward. You're on a horse and in the middle of the woods before you know it. Indra, Echo, and the leader of the Woods Clan is behind you. In front of your is a group of warriors on foot, carrying the Woods Clan flags. All the other leaders went back to their clans to tell everyone of the alliance and the embargo on the Ice Nation.

You're still wary of the Ice Nation. You keep an eye out in the woods for another assassin. You're sure Lexa is doing the same thing. You and Lexa ride in silence for hours. You can feel the knot in your stomach growing larger the closer to Mount Weather you get. For some reason the steady footsteps of the horses seem to get faster the closer you get. 

You look out into the forest. You see one. A flash of a peeling pink body laying on the ground. You close your eyes and look down. You don't want to freak out right now. You want to hold it together. 

“During my first battle,” Lexa speaks airily in your direction. You open your eyes and look at her. There's a faint smile on her face, “Anya knocked me off of my horse. I fell into a bog, there was mud everywhere.” The smile on her face grows. “The enemy warriors advanced upon me. I defeated most of them on my own. It didn't take Anya much effort to kill the last of them.” Lexa looks around at the forest. “When I asked her why she knocked me off of my horse she told me so I would have to get back up and keep fighting.” Lexa looks at you. “Then she pushed me back down into the bog.” Lexa's smile reaches her eyes, “When I asked her why she did that she told me because it was funny.”

You find yourself smiling. You can definitely see Anya doing something like that.

Lexa's smile fades a little, but still stays on her face, “She told me that you only fail if you don't get back up.”

You look out over the forest and don't see any bodies that aren't there. You breath out a sigh of relief. You look over at Lexa. That story made you feel better. It lifted your spirits a little and made your smile. Anya may have reluctantly taught you a few lessons, but you still wish she was around, not only for you, but for Lexa who has seemingly lost everyone she has ever cared about.

You nod to yourself and look to Lexa. You don't have to tell her that Anya was right. You smile fully, “One time I was talking and Anya slapped mud on my face.”

Lexa ducks her head, her shoulders bouncing with a quiet laugh. She looks over at you, “She did that to me a few times. When I was younger, I told her once that I didn't have to listen to her anymore because I was the Commander. She tossed me into a mud pit.” Lexa shakes her head her smile nostalgic. “I hope her spirit found somewhere beautiful to rest.”

“I'm sure she wouldn't settle for anything less,” you assure Lexa. You catch her eyes and you share a smile. She looks away, probably feeling too sentimental.

You feel a little calmer moving along. Lexa decides to let her horse rest and walk for a little while. You follow her lead, rubbing your horse's back as you dismount. Echo takes the reigns of both of the horses, not dismounting her horse. You look in your backpack as you walk and pull out some berries that someone gave you. You look at Lexa, “Have you seen the little kids that wear facepaint like yours?”

Lexa nods. 

You open the pouch of berries and offer them to Lexa. She takes a few. “They're cute.”

Lexa nods again. “Being the Commander is a great honor. They look up to me.”

“They'd had a hard time trying to find a better leader to look up to,” you offer. It's a veiled apology that you hope she sees as an apology. 

She seems to accept it, but you're not sure she sees it as an apology. When you're about to clarify, Indra calls her. Lexa falls back in the line of grounders moving in an unhurried fashion toward Mount Weather. You walk by yourself for a few minutes before Echo hops off of her horse to walk next to you. You offer to take your horse's reigns back, but she keeps them in her hands. 

“Do you know Bellamy?” Echo asks. 

You nod. You didn't know that Bellamy had actually interacted with grounders in Mount Weather enough to exchange names. Of course you didn't give anyone much of a chance to say anything to you on the walk back.

Echo looks around, not looking at you when she asks, “Is he okay?”

“Yeah,” you nod. A small smile grows on your face. This girl has a crush on Bellamy. She's cute and she's one of Lexa's warriors. You hope that Bellamy will be glad to see her. He deserves to be happy. “He's at the Sky People camp.”

She smiles, but looks around like she's not supposed to be smiling.

You touch her arm, “I'm sure he'll be happy to see you too.”

Echo falls back a little ways and you're walking alone again. It's a familiar feeling. You've been walking alone since you landed on Earth. Mostly metaphorically. You take a deep breath. You wonder what a life of peace will look like. Once the Ice Nation is dealt with, you don't see any future conflicts. There will just be time. Time to think about all the things that you've done.

Last night felt nice. You were a leader again. You had something to think about other than why you thrust yourself into the woods on your own. You had problems to solve and deals to strike. It felt good and it felt right.

“Clarke?” a deep, rough voice asks you.

One of the generals that doesn't belong to the woods clan drops back to walk with you. You look expectantly at him. He's got a curious look in his eyes. “Would you mind if I asked you about...living in the sky?”

You smile understandingly, “Of course not.”

You and the general talk for the rest of the day's walk. He asks you really interesting questions that you've never thought about before. When you stop at a village which is to be your camp for the night, he thanks you graciously for talking to him before trotting off to join his people.

You join a group of grounder warriors around a small area that is meant to be where you eat dinner. You're famished and so grateful when you're handed a large plate a meat. Grounders are excellent storytellers and you listen to their stories about hunts and battles.

The whole time you keep an eye on Lexa. She is conferring pretty regularly with three or four warriors. The keep walking off and then coming back to her. You notice that she hasn't eaten before she steps into a tent that has been set up just for her.

The grounder stories keep your attention for a few more minutes until you need to know what's going on. You take your plate with you and let yourself into Lexa's tent. She's sitting thoughtfully on her throne, her legs crossed and her chin resting against her fist. When she seems movement, she sits up straight, but when she realizes that it's just you, she relaxes.

“I brought you some,” you gesture to your plate, “I saw you didn't eat.”

She looks from the plate to you. She accepts the plate, resting it on her knees.

“Are you okay?” you look around the tent. It's set up almost exactly like the one she set up outside of the Sky People camp.

She nods, “For now.”

“Are you thinking about the Ice Queen?” you move to her map table just to see what she had recently been looking at. Its a map of the area that you're in. There's a hole in the map where Camp Jaha is. You suppose that this map hasn't been updated yet. You take your backpack off, rest it on the ground, and start to dig through it. You find a pencil that was a gift from a citizen of Polis. You lean on the table and start to add Camp Jaha.

“Yes,” Lexa answers steadily. She doesn't elaborate.

When you finish sketching what Camp Jaha might look like from far away, you turn to Lexa. “Your people are really nice.”

“We're not savages, Clarke,” she answers dryly.

You frown. “I didn't mean -” But you did think they were savages. The Mountain Men thought they were savages. “I'm sorry.”

Lexa shakes her head, “I'm sorry. I have a lot on my mind.”

“Tell me,” you sit on the table. You're all for confronting Lexa's problems and letting the ones you're ignoring crush you.

Lexa picks apart the meat you brought her. “The Ice Queen wants a war.”

“Then she'll lose,” you answer succinctly. You have faith in Lexa and her ability to command her people. You know that the Ice Nation is a fraction the size of the remaining clans. You don't know why Lexa is worrying about it so much.

She take a bite of the food and then glances at you before standing. “Do you have any liquor? I would like a drink.”

“Yeah,” you answer, digging in your backpack again. You pull out two bottles, “I have a...brown one and a clear one.”

Lexa doesn't seem to care so you open a bottle and hand it to her. She takes two large gulps before handing it back. Then she walks toward her bed. She takes off her pauldron, her coat, and her sword. She places them carefully on a nearby table, then lays down on her bed.

You look at Lexa with her eyes closed. You know she's not sleeping. She might be tired, but she's still thinking. She strategizing.

“What happens after the Ice Nation is defeated?” you ask.

“The alliance has no common enemy,” Lexa answers because she's been thinking about this long before you have. “No reason to exist anymore.”

You understand what she's getting at. You pick up your liquor bottle and walk to her bed. You sit down next to her knees and hand her the bottle. “We'll talk about it tomorrow.”

She opens her eyes and looks at you, “Why tomorrow?”

“Because tonight we're gonna drink,” you tell her. She needs to relax is only for one night. She's lost so much, but she's still standing.

She shakes her head. “I can't.”

You know she's worried, but she can't operate at such a high level all the time. It's not good. “Your people are happy. You should be happy with them.”

“Happiness is not my destiny, Clarke,” Lexa looks at your face. Something behind her eyes is so sad saying that out loud.

“Maybe it should be,” you hold her eyes. You look down at the bed and see her hand laying at her side. You gently pick it up, “Lexa...” When you look at her face you can see it again. There's a flash of innocence in her eyes. A little girl who didn't ask for any of this. A little girl who was probably carefree and smiled all the time. You ask softly, “Can I lay with you?”

She looks over your face. You don't know what she's looking for, but a moment later she nods. You carefully crawl over her, into the small cover that her bed is situated in. You lay on your back next to her, looking up at the roof of the tent.

You want her to be happy. After all she's been through, she deserves it. She's lost everyone...her dad only a few days ago.

You think about the past few days and realize what an absolute mess you are. You've been vicious toward Lexa who has done nothing, but be supportive in any way she knows how. You've never gotten that from anyone else. Lexa has never asked you be different or more. You've completely ignored her pain to rage through your own. You even inflicted some pain just to make her hurt.

You sought out the only person that has ever completely believed in you to make her hurt. You tried to cover up your own guilt with anger.

You want to say something comforting. You want to apologize. You want to tell Lexa that your people killed Anya. You want to tell her all the truths you should have been saying all along.

She turns her head toward you. You keep your eyes on the roof for a moment before you feel brave enough to meet her eyes. She asks you quietly, “Are you going to be okay tomorrow?”

“I don't know,” you breath out. You shake your head against your pillow. “No.”

“You don't have to go,” Lexa offers, “You can take a horse and ride to your people. I'll bring your supplies to you.”

You look at her face – her beautiful, worried face – and know why you sought her out. You stumbled across the forest, walking for days. Maybe you were looking for her all along and your pride wouldn't let you consciously think it. You know she cares for you.

“I have to go,” you offer her a small, thankful smile. “But thank you.”

“For what?” she asks, a small crease above her eyebrow revealing a slight confusion.

“You still care,” you tell her, “Even after everything.” You want to touch her, but you need to confess a few things before you allow yourself that kind of comfort. But you can't even begin to list the thing you want to tell Lexa. “You shouldn't care.”

Her only response is, “I know.” There are unspoken words in her answer. She knows she shouldn't care, but she does.

“I'm so sorry,” you know words won't help all the reprehensible things you've said to her and all the outright fucked up things you've done. Maybe it's somewhere for you to start. Because as undeserving as you feel of forgiveness, especially from Lexa, you know you will function so much better with her at you side.

Instead of an offhanded rejection of your apology or a tender acceptance of it she looks you dead in the eyes.“You did nothing wrong.”

You shake your head, “I have. I wasn't fair to you.”

“There's no fairness on the ground,” Lexa tells you.

You know that that is true. You know that nothing has ever been fair for Lexa. You take her hand, “What do you want? After this is over?”

“I want peace for my people,” Lexa answers because it's all she thinks about.

“What do you want for you?” you clarify. You want to know exactly what she wants so that you can find a way to give it to her.

You can see that she knows what she wants, but she doesn't want to say it. Her entire life is built around her people. Every time she finds someone to love, it never lasts. Everything she wants goes away so she has trained herself to not want. You can see her fighting the fondness that she has for you. She wants to be strong and stoic. You know that she thinks love is weakness. Maybe you can teach her that it isn't.

“I don't know,” she answers. “I want-” She stops talking like it's hard to say the words. You're not sure she's ever actaully thought of herself before.

Before you can ask her anything else, she looks alarmed. She jumped out of the bed, grabbing her sword on the way to the door. She tells you to stay where you are before disappearing outside.

You can only hear the commotion start after Lexa is out of sight. There is yelling. You can hear the clashing of swords against metal. You run to the door to see what's going on. You see one run into the middle of the camp toward Lexa. She turns around in time to see the reaper coming at her. She trips the reaper, then slashes his leg while fighting off two other ones. You can hear Lexa yelling. It sounds like she's telling everyone not to kill them. 

You look around for something to subdue the reapers with. You find a coiled rope next to one of the tent stakes. You run toward Lexa, sliding to a stop next to her. She steps on the wounded reaper's back to keep him in place while you tie his hands. You make the rope at tight as you can, then take the knife out of Lexa's thigh holster to cut the rope. Above you, she's keeping reapers away with nonlethal blows, using her fists and boots as much as possible.

You scurry to another reaper on the ground. You put your knee on her back so that you can tie her hands. Lexa keeps fighting and you keep subduing. You can see other people around the camp doing the same. By the time you're done, you have nine reapers captured on the ground. 

“They're farther away from Mount Weather than they've ever been,” Indra tells Lexa as she walks toward you. 

Lexa nods. She looks to you, “If we take them to Mount Weather, can you help them?”

You immediately nod. It's a simple process. Detox and then using a shock stick to restart their heart if needed. You turn to Lexa, “We can use the -” You stop when you see blood soaking into the leg of Lexa's pants.

She holds her hand up, silencing you. She doesn't look directly at you. She orders the grouping of the reapers. Then she walks as normally as possible back into the tent. You're on her heels worried about what happened. 

She sits down gingerly on her throne. She winces, leaning her weight to her side that's not injured.

“What happened?” you ask, dropping her knife on the table.

“One of them bit me,” Lexa clenches her teeth in pain.

You move to her, “Take off your pants so that I can see.”

She slowly stands. Once her pants drop around her feet you see just how bad it is. You drop to your knees next to her and look over her leg, “Oh my god Lexa. Go lay down on the table.” It's not just a bite. It looks like multiple bites in the same place.

When she lays down, you clean the wound as best you can. “Where are the healers?” You start to move to the door, but she grabs your arm. 

“Tell Indra,” Lexa holds tight to your arm, “No one else.”

That's an insane idea. You want to tell all the healers. This isn't really something that you know how to deal with. “Bu-”

“Clarke,” Lexa holds your eyes, “None of my people have ever survived a bite from a reaper.”

You blink. “Why?”

Lexa shakes her head, “I don't know. It's a legend. They get pale and hot. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does...” 

“It gets infected,” you state. You look at Lexa's leg, “We have to clean it out so it doesn't get infected.” You quickly grab a canteen of water, using it to flush out the wound as best as you can. You need to do something else, but you don't have anything to work with, “I need to talk to your healers.”

“They can't stop it,” Lexa shakes her head. “They never could. We cannot tell anyone of this.” She makes sure that you're looking at her when she says, “If the Ice Queen finds out that I'm weakened, in any way, she will attack.”

You lick your lips. You think through all the places you could get something to help Lexa. If it's an infection, it could definitely take her life. You swallow, “Okay. But when we get to Mount Weather tomorrow, you're coming with me to the infirmary.”

She nods. 

You wrap up her leg and help her get clean pants on. She stands normally, but you know that she's trying to maintain her composure. You're worried about her. You hope that washing it out was enough to keep it from getting infected. If not, it's going to be an uphill battle getting it back down. 

When you suggest that you sleep on the ground in Lexa's tent to keep an eye on her, Lexa offers you half of her bed. You both keep a respectable distance between yourselves when you lay down, but you end up as close to her as you can be without actually touching her. You wake up four or five times in the middle of the night to check on Lexa. When you wake up for the last time, she's moving around the tent, getting ready. She doesn't seem to have any trouble moving around. 

You push up on your elbows, “Are you okay?”

She nods, not looking at you, “We have to start moving.” She hooks her sword onto her belt and turns around looking at you. Her warpaint betrays her concern. You were so worried about Lexa last night that you were n't thinking about where you're heading. 

You stand up and shake out your hands. “I'm fine,” you say but you're not really. You know that Lexa knows that you're not really fine. 

“You can still leave,” she offers, “Ride straight to the Sky People camp. I'll meet you there.”

You shake your head, “I can't. I need to...Maybe if I see them I'll stop... seeing them.” You now know that you sound absolutely bonkers in front of Lexa. You look away from her, staring at the ground by the door of the tent. 

You see her boots on the ground, moving toward you. When she stops in front of you, you see her shifting her weight. You level your chin and look at Lexa. You can see it again. You can see the innocence. She moves her hand toward you, but stops. She clenches her fists and puts it to her side. 

You don't think anyone else would believe you when you told them how sweet Lexa can be. You move into her, slipping your arms around her waist. You need this. You need just a moment to feel completely safe and somehow Lexa's arms around you do that. She cradles the back of your head with a strong hand. 

“I see them too,” she quietly whispers into your hair.

“Does it ever stop?” you ask turning your face toward her neck so that you can hide a little deeper. 

You feel her take a deep breath, “Sometimes...when...when I'm with you.”

You close your eyes. When you think about it, you've never seen an irradiated Mountain Man when you're with Lexa. You hold onto her tighter.

At the door, someone calls Lexa. She loosens her hold on you, letting you step away. She starts to move toward the door, but you grab her hand. You're ashamed of what you're about to ask her, “When we get there – to Mount Weather – can you...I-” You get frustrated with your inability to articulate just how weak you feel. 

Lexa takes a step toward you and drops a kiss on your forehead, “I shall stay by your side.”

You don't have a chance to thank her for not having to explain what you need. She walks to the door of the tent and opens it, starting your day.

It doesn't take long for everyone to start riding. The reapers aren't moving very willingly so the line of people walking thins out. Lexa tells a few of the warriors to get them the Mount Weather so the group splits off, the people guarding the reapers are left behind to slowly make their way after you.

Your stomach gets tight the closer you get. You can tell when you're close. Your hands start shaking. You feel like you're going to throw up. You have to look next to you to make sure Lexa is still riding her horse next to you every few seconds. 

When you can see Mount Weather, it all hits you at once. You're nauseous. You're sweating. You're shaking. You can feel your heart slamming against your chest. You duck your head when Lexa pulls her horse to a stop. She starts giving orders in Trigedasleng. The people carrying the tents put them down and start to put them up. A few people walk off into the woods. 

Once everyone is moving, you look over at Lexa. Behind her, you can see Mount Weather towering behind her. You take a deep breath that feels like you're taking it through a straw. Lexa dismounts her horse with all the grace a Commander must possess. She hands the reigns to Echo, then walks to you on your horse. 

“Once they find a place to have to pyre, we will begin,” Lexa explains to you. Her voice is strong and authoritative. 

You kind of need it that way because you feel like you could disintegrate into liquid at any second and she's the only thing holding you together. You dismount your horse. Echo takes the reigns of your horse. You look around. You can't wait anymore. 

You start to walk up to the door where you walked your people out. Monty unlocked the large metal door and you all just walked out the door that the imprisoned grounder s were released out of. When you get to the door, it's still ajar. You run behind a tree just off the clearing and throw up. 

When you turn around, Lexa is standing there, offering you a bottle of water. You take it and rinse out your mouth. You shake your head and look at her, “I can't do it.”

“You don't have to,” she answers quietly. Behind her, you can see Indra supervising the opening of the door all the way. 

You pour water on your face then wipe it off with your shirt. You feel a little more together. “I have to.”

Lexa nods, knowing what you have to do. She waits for you to take some deep breaths then she follows you to the door. 

It's frigid when you walk inside. You can hear Indra giving orders in front of you. You turn down a hallway that's empty. You know that what you're waiting for is a few floors down. All the people you killed are still downstairs, still laying on the ground and in their food having been killed quickly, but with great pain.

The second you step on the level where they are, you stop in the hallway. There's no one in the sterile corridor with you so you take her hand. Yo ur  voice shakes, “I just need a minute.”

She doesn't say anything. She just holds you r hand, waiting for you to get yourself together. You stand there until they start carrying wrapped up bodies out. They carry them a few at a time, wrapped in a rough cloth  that looks familiar . 

You think of something you didn't before. You quickly walk into the dining room where the Mountain Men made their last stand. Nothing has been touched since you were last here. Everyone is still in the same place where they died. You step over bodies and call to the grounder picking up a woman's body from the ground. “Stop.”

He doesn't seem to understand your English. You know a few people who aren't warriors came with you to do the hard labor of moving the bodies out. You look behind you and find Lexa standing at the door. Her eyes meet yours. You ask, “I want to bury her. She was my friend.”

Lexa translates to the grounder who nods and carries Maya's body more gently out the door. 

And just like that you're standing in the middle of all the people you killed. You see mothers holding their children. You see lovers embracing one last time. Every peeling face is like a stab in your body. Their eyes start popping open and fingers start pointing at you. You did this. You killed all of them. You ended the lives of little children. You manage to control yourself until you get out of the room. Then you start running. You can't take it anymore. You don't want to be here. You don't want to be anywhere. You don't want to be a leader. You're just a girl. 

Everything around you goes black. You're just running and you can't stop. You can't breathe. There's so much weight on you that you're not even sure is there. You can hear everyone telling you that you're not doing enough. You're doing things wrong. It's all wrong. 

You scream and all the light comes back. You're not really running. You're sitting in a ball in the corner of the kitchen. When you open your eyes, Lexa is sitting on the floor next to you. She's using her knife to cut off a stray thread on her shirt. 

“How long have we been in here?” you breath out.

She looks at you, surprised. She's probably surprised that you're still functioning. “A while.” She puts her knife away, “I carried you in here after you ran into the war room.”

You wonder what war room Lexa is talking about until you remember the control room. The one where you pulled the lever that killed everyone. The one where you shot Dante in the chest. 

“I'm sorry,” you wipe your face with your sleeves. 

Lexa stands up stiffly and offers you her hands. You take them, letting her pull you to your feet. You just kind of keep the momentum going and lean into her. She holds you again, making sure that you're safe. 

“How am I going to look at them?” you whisper. “When I see my people, I see all the people I killed.”

“When you see your people,” she answers, “You see them alive. They're alive and they're breathing because you are the greatest leader they could could ask for.”

You don't know how to tell her that sometimes you don't feel like that's enough. You bear the guilt so that they don't have to, but the guilt is crushing you. Especially here. This is where you committed genocide. 

“They're almost ready for the fire,” Lexa takes a step back, “Are you ready?”

You nod. You both walk out together. Lexa is moving a little slowly, but you're sure it's just to give you more time so you don't freak out in front of everyone again. 

“We didn't bury your friend,” Lexa adds, stepping outside. “I didn't know where you wanted to do that.”

When you step out of the door, you see that the supplies are being inventoried outside of the door. Echo is keeping count in a small book of all the supplies there are. You followed Lexa around the front of the entrance and see a body wrapped up and tucked to the side. 

There is a shovel on the ground next to her that you pick up. You're going to bury her somewhere Jasper can visit her when he wants to. Lexa stands behind you while you dig a grave. It gets dark while you're digging. Lexa just stands behind you, constantly shifting her weight. You know she's probably itching to get back to her people, but she's with you because you're a wreck. You cry silently when Lexa helps you lower Maya into the ground. You use a white rock to write on the wall over where you buried Maya. You write her name, but you don't feel like you have the right to write anything else. You'll leave it to Jasper. 

You turn to Lexa. You wipe the sweat from your forehead and turn to Lexa. She nods in approval and leads the way to the pile of bodies. 

You look at all of them stacked together. There are small bundles that you know are children. The large ones are adults. There are some that are too big to be just one person so they're people that couldn't be parted even in death. Tears sting the back of your eyes. You've done so much harm since you landed on Earth. You wonder what would have happened had you been floated with your father. You wonder how many people wouldn't be dead. 

Indra walks to you with a torch. She hands it to you and you just hold it in your hand for a little bit. All around the clearing are grounders watching you. They're waiting for you to end the battle of Mount Weather once and for all. 

You don't have any words. You just walk to the pyre and light a bundle of wood on fire. Then you toss the torch into the middle of the pyre. It goes up in flames faster than you expected. Soon all of it is on fire. You can hear screams and it takes you a second to realize that it's not coming from the pyre. It's in your head. You can hear the screams and the groans of pain even though you never heard them when they happened. 

You are Clarke of the Sky People. You're the executioner. You've killed so many people – so many families, so many children. You've kill warriors and civilians alike. You're a killer. You're a monster. 

You stare into the fire until it's almost out. Lexa has found a tree close to you to lean on. Most of the grounders have retreated to their tents to sleep off the day of hard labor. Echo is across the pyre from you staring hard into the people that held her captive for so long. There's so much anger in her eyes.

When the fire is gone, it's deep into the night. You look to Lexa who looks exhausted. You move to her and tell her, “You can go lay down.”

“I'm fine,” she waves you off, but there's something in her face that tells you she's not. 

You gesture to the tents, “I'll go with you. C'mon.”

She agrees. She slowly walks next to you. She holds open the tent entrance for you. When you pass her you see that there is sweat beaded on her forehead. You stop and touch her forehead. There's a fever raging through her body. Your eyes widen. You completely forgot. “Your leg.”

“I'm fine,” she can barely speak. 

You pull her inside and remove her pants. The wound has definitely become infected. It smells putrid. You look at Lexa's face. You didn't notice before how pale she looks under her warpaint. 

“Stay right here,” you tell her and run out the door. You run up the hill to the supplies that are still in neat stacks outside the door. You find the medical supplies and root through a few stacks of them before you have a kit that you're sure has what you need. You open it and see vials of something. They're all labeled with chemical compositions and the long scientific names they're called. You don't know what any of it means. Your hands start shaking when you throw them back into the bag. You only know one person who can help Lexa.

You're carrying a woozy Lexa toward the unattended horses when you're stopped by a roar of a voice. 

“What are you doing?” Indra demands, her sword pointed at you. 

You look from Lexa who can barely stand even with you holding her up. “I have to take her to my people. She's sick. A reaper bit her.” You look behind you to see if anyone else has noticed you. “She doesn't want the Ice Nation to know she's hurt. We have to hurry.” 

Indra looks down at Lexa who is clearly not well. She moves to you and puts Lexa's other arm over her shoulder. She tells you to get onto the horse first and then she helps you situate Lexa in front of you. She leans back on you and you use your arms to hold her up.

Indra mounts a horse behind you and she leads the way. 

You can feel Lexa having a hard time sitting up straight. 

“Lexa, tell your spirit to stay where it is,” you order her as you're racing through the night. You can feel how hot her body is, pressed up against yours. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“You're in much more pain,” Lexa answers, the rushing wind almost stealing her words before they reach your ears. 

Tears sting your eyes. You can't lose Lexa too. You've lost so much and so much as been taking from you. You're not letting Lexa slip from your grip. You need her. 

You see the lights of Camp Jaha when you breach the edge of the forest. You don't slow down and neither does Indra. You race toward the gates. You can see the guards pointing guns at you. You call to them, “Get the Chancellor!”

When they hear your voice the guns lower. You see a guard run into the Ark while two more open the gates. 

Your mom is running outside, pulling her jacket on when you and Indra a re getting a barely conscious Lexa off of the horse. “A reaper bit her and it's infected,” you're hysterical when you explain it to your mom. “I have the medicine, but I don't know what to do. Mom, you have to save her please.”

Your mom looks panicked at you. You're sure you look like a mess. Your whole body is shaking. You can't control your actions. Indra picks up Lexa and cradles her in her arms, following you and your mom into the Ark. 

Your mom takes the bag from you, understanding that Lexa's situation is dire. She looks through it and as soon as Lexa is on an exam table, she give s Lexa an injection. Then she moves to the wound. You hold Lexa's hand while your mother scrapes the dead flesh out of the wound. Lexa is sweating profusely and her warpaint is running off of her face. You use your shirt to wipe her face clean. She grits her teeth when your mother takes the parts of Lexa's leg that will never heal. 

“I'm so sorry,” you whisper to her, staying close to her face.

She shakes her head, “My spirit-”

“Is staying right where it is,” you tell her. 

She smiles, pain all over her face. “I was going to say that my spirit wants to stay with you. I'll be okay.”

You smile despite the tears on her face. “Okay. You'll be okay.”

Lexa falls asleep after your mother bandages up her wound. Your mom assures you that Lexa will be okay. She pulls you to her and hugs you, “Where did you go?”

“I just...it's so hard to be here,” you answer her. “After what I did.”

Your mother doesn't seem to have words to make it better. You know that after everything, she has a hard time finding things to say to you because you're a completely different person now. You're different. You're an animal now. Wild and dangerous.

But it feels so good in your mother's arms. 

You pull back and see Indra standing next to Lexa's bed almost daring a Sky Person to make a move toward the Commander. Your mom's arm stays around your shoulders when you both look at Lexa. You know there's an unspoken question. Why did you bring Lexa here? After she betrayed everyone in the Ark. 

“She saved my life,” you tell your mom. Not only from reapers and assassins. She kept you from losing your mind completely. You're still teetering on the edge, but Lexa is the reason that you haven't fallen off yet. She was an emotional punching bag when you need to be angry. She was physically everything that you needed. She gave you sage words whether or not you wanted to hear them. 

You see people standing in the hallway, not happy to see Lexa. You tell your mom, “We'll leave as soon as she's okay. I'm sorry, I just...”

“It's okay,” your mother kisses the side of your head, “She can stay as long as she needs to. And I hope that you decide to stay a little longer. I was worried.”

“I just can't-” you stop talking. You don't want to blame the people here for the reason that you can't stay. You put on your leader armor. You stand up a little straighter, “Did the scouts get here?”

Your mom nods. She rubs your shoulder. “Thank you for warning us.”

“We're trying to cut the Ice Nation off,” you explain, “No one is going to trade with them until they stop trying to break the new alliance.”

“New alliance?” your mom asks. 

You look at her and nod, “The remaining 11 clans and us. Mount Weather is empty now. The supplies are on the way.”

“What do we bring to this alliance?” your mom asks. 

“Medical and mechanical knowledge,” You see your mom glance at Raven who is standing close by with her arms crossed. You look back at your mom, “And we share Mount Weather.”

Your mom tucks some hair behind your ear, “I wish you would have told me you were going to make a new alliance. I was worried you were wandering around in the forest alone.”

“Well I was,” you tell her, “But I ended up in Polis…” Your eyes turn to the Commander, “with Lexa.” 

“You should have just let her die,” Raven finally speaks up. You whip your head around to look at her. She glares at you, “You shouldn't have brought her back here to stab all of us in the back again.”

“She had to do it for her people,” you defend Lexa's decision because every time someone attacks Lexa's decision, it feels like they're attacking yours. “Just like I did.”

Raven clenches her jaw, giving up the fight because you made it personal. She pushes off the wall and walks off.

You inhale and look to your mom, “Where's Octavia?”

“She's outside. I'll take you to her.” your mom says. 

You shake your head, “I have to stay with Lexa.”

“She's asleep,” your mom assures you, “She won't even know you're gone. I'm sure Indra will make sure she's safe.”

You look at Indra who nods firmly which tells you that she will kill anyone who gets close to Lexa. You hook your arm through your mom's and you both walk through the corridors.

“Are you hungry?” your mom asks, “You look like you've lost weight.”

“I'm fine,” you let out a small smile.

She pats your hand on her arm, “I worry.”

“I know,” you both step outside, “I do too.” You spot Octavia, Lincoln, and Bellamy standing in a small huddle near the fence. The look they all give you hurts a little. They look at you like they don't know who you are and are trying to figure you out. You take a deep breath and let go of your mom to talk to them. She goes back inside, telling you she's going to check on Lexa.

After a brief study, Bellamy moves to hug you. You smile and hug him back. He tries to keep the emotion out of his voice when he tells you, “I missed you.” 

But when you look at Octavia, she doesn't look as forgiving. The warpaint is gone from her face, but her grounder hairstyle is still in place. She crosses her arms when you look at her. She gets right to business, “When are the supplies coming?”

You look out over the dark night, “I don't- I don't know. Indra and I snuck Lexa out. If the Ice Queen knows that she's sick, she'll strike.” 

“So you brought the target here?” Octavia asks. 

“There's no way for the Ice Queen to know that she's here,” you counter, getting angry with Octavia. “Don't worry. We'll drop off the supplies and go back to Polis before you know it.”

“You're leaving again?” Bellamy asks, surprised. 

You look at him, maybe the only other person besides Lexa that knows the weight on your shoulders. You nod. He nods back understanding why you can't stay. You bump shoulders with him, “You should come visit us in Polis.”

Bellamy puts his arm around your shoulder, “Maybe I will.”

You take a deep breath and look out over the land around the fallen Ark. You  look around inside of the camp and see the horse you rode in on. Then you frown, “Where's the other horse?”

Octavia shrugs, “One of the scouts took it to tell whoever is at Mount Weather that you're here.”

“But not that Lexa is hurt right?” you ask her.

“No,” Octavia rolls her eyes, “The Commander remains impervious.”

“Octavia,” you sigh. 

She isn't receptive to your plead for civility. She walks off, pulling Lincoln behind her mumbling something about securing the perimeter.

You watch her walk away and wish she understood. Bellamy tells you not to worry about her. She'll come around eventually. You're just sure you won't be here to see it. 

“I'm going to go check on Lexa,” you tell Bellamy. 

“I'll go with you,” he offers. You walk with him back inside. A smile crosses you face, “There was a girl looking for you.”

“A girl huh?” he smiles, “Echo?”

You nod, “She's on her way here. Some reapers attacked us last night and Echo is a badass.”

Bellamy smiles brightly, “I know.”

When you get to the infirmary, you can hear Lexa talking. You move quickly around the corner and find her talking to Indra in Trigedasleng, while your mom is rooting around in the cabinet off to the side. You smile when you see her sitting up. She's not ghostly pale anymore. When she looks at you, you ask, “How do you feel?”

“Better,” she tries to hide a smile. She looks behind you and you see Bellamy. 

He puts his hands behind his back and nods to her, “Commander.”

She nods back to him. Then she looks at you, “Did you send someone back to Mount Weather?”

“One of the scouts that you sent here to warn my people took one of the horses back,” you tell her. 

Lexa nods in approval and it feels good that she approves. “I should go back.”

“Uh, Commander,” your mom interrupts, “You need to stay here so that I can make sure the infection doesn't come back.”

You step up to Lexa, “She's right. If you're going to be the first person to survive a reaper bite, then you need to stay.”

“What about the reapers?” a voice comes in from behind you. You turn around and see Octavia standing at the door, pointedly not looking at Indra. She swallows, “Did you kill them?”

“We captured them,” you explain, “They're in Mount Weather where we're going to rehabilitate them.” You look to your mom who looks truly proud of you, “We could use help.”

Your mom nods, “Of course.”

Lexa stands and you put her hands on her arms, “Lexa, please lay down.”

“We'll return in a few hours,” she looks into your eyes, “I'm sure I won't die in that time.”

You look to your mom, “A few hours?”

“She should be fine, but if she gets a fever, bring her right back,” your mom states. 

Indra and Lexa get into an argument in Trigedasleng. You gather that it's about Indra staying at the Sky People camp while you go back to Mount Weather. Of course Lexa wins because she's the Commander. She mounts the horse in front of you, taking the reigns this time. Bellamy slips you a gun before you take off. You tuck it in the back of your pants, but have no plans to use it. You mount the horse and hold onto the back of Lexa. You promise your mom that you'll be right back.

Indra sits down right outside of the Camp Jaha gates when you and Lexa ride off. She doesn't take off in a gallop for a little while because when the horse moves too fast, it hurts her leg. 

“I'm glad you're okay,” you hug her from behind.

She places her hand on top of yours, “Thanks to you.”

“Well I could save your life ten more times and we still wouldn't be even,” you sigh softly. Going back to Camp Jaha wasn't so bad. Your venture to Mount Weather is almost over. You can breathe a little easier knowing that soon you'll be back on a horse to Polis where you can strengthen your alliance with Lexa. 

You kiss the curve of her neck because you can. Even though the only light is from the moon, you can see her smile. She's so beautiful and she loves you. You can feel it. 

You lean into her, asking about her leg. She keeps telling you that it's fine and that she feels fine and to stop asking. 

You don't feel as sick when you get to Mount Weather, but it's not somewhere you want to stay for long periods of time. Everyone is still sleeping and the guards are surprised to see you and Lexa ride up. 

She quickly reprimands them for not knowing that she was gone and then helps you off of the horse. Since no one is really awake yet, you both walk into her tent. She moves to the bed and sits. She looks up at you just as you're going to ask if she's okay. She glares at you to stop you. You smile, “Sorry.”

She shakes her head, “Don't be sorry.”

You sit down on the table closest to the bed and kick your feet, “So what do you want?” 

“Hmm?” she asks.

“When this is over with?” you tilt your head, “What do you want?”

She inhales, “I want to-” A smile takes place on her lips, “There's a village South of Polis. They fish in the ocean. There aren't any monsters in the water. I want to go there and hunt and read.” She meets your eyes, “I want to show it to you.”

You smile, “I want to see it.”

For a moment, she's shy. She looks away from you. You love the smile that threatens to take over her face. She looks at you, her eyes sweep your face once, “Would you like to lie down? You haven't gotten to sleep.”

You take a deep breath and nod. You are fairly tired. You start to move to the bed and Lexa starts to stand. You grab her arm to stop her. “You need to lay down.”

She slowly lays back. She takes your hand and pulls you down next to her. You lay on your side and look at her. You wonder if she's like this in times of peace. She's not quick to smile, but she did smile at you. You ask her what it's like when there's peace.

She looks at you, her face young and serious, “I don't know. The clans have been at war for as long as I can remember. If there's peace,” She shakes her head, “I don't know what I'll do.”

“You'll go to your fishing village and read,” you tell her with a smile, “And it's _when_ there's peace. Because there will be peace. You've already done so much. We're almost there.”

She looks up at the roof of the tent, “The Ice Queen does not want peace.”

“She won't have a choice when her people don't have what they need to survive,” you pick up Lexa's hand and run your fingers across her palm and down her fingers.

“I worry that she doesn't care about the survival of her people,” Lexa watches you run your fingers over the scars on her hand. You can see her jaw flex in thought, “Many of her people will die.”

You swallow. You don't want any more death, but you don't know how to stop the Ice Nation's population decline without risking the lives of the hundreds of warriors it would take to kill the Ice Queen. “Maybe her people will overthrow her when things get too hard. When there's not enough food or weapons, they'll know it's her fault.”

“I hope so,” Lexa subtly moves closer to you. You can feel it and you slid your arm under her head so that she can rest her head on your shoulder.

You bend your arm and put your hand on top of her head, gently massaging her scalp, “We'll figure it out when we get back to Polis.”

“You're coming back with me?” she asks softly.

You look down at her, your nose almost brushing against hers. You don't answer. You just drop of short, sweet kiss on her lips. Then you add, “If it's okay with you.”

“I wouldn't like anything more,” you tucks her head in the crook of your neck and you smile.

You both get a few hours of sleep before a guard calls for Lexa. The convoy is already ready and Lexa's tent is the last tent still standing. The two of you mount your horse together and lead the group back to Camp Jaha, splitting with the groups that are going in different directions. You renew your promise to the River Clan trio that is about to ride off that you will send them food.

Guards move into position into a tight formation around the two of you. You hold loosely around Lexa's waist so you don't fall off and because you like being close to her. The farther away from Mount Weather you get, the easier it is to breathe.

When Camp Jaha comes into view, you feel another knot in your stomach. The last time you rode in, you weren't thinking about anything, but Lexa. Now you have time to remember what you did for these people. You didn't realize that you were squeezing Lexa until she places her hand on your arm at her waist. You mumble an apology and try to shake it off. You were okay when you were here last time. You got to see your mom. You got to see Bellamy and Octavia even though she hates you now.

Indra is in the same place you left her. She stands when you approach and Lexa stops the horse next to her. You look behind you and see the warriors and other grounds pulling behind them makeshift sleds full of food and supplies. Your people all start to come out of the Ark to see what you brought. Lexa doesn't walk into the gates of Camp Jaha. She helps you off of the horse and stands next to you. You look at her and see that she's waiting for you.

Your mom walks to the gate and hugs you. When she takes a step back, she asks, “Is this all from Mount Weather?”

You nod, “It's our share.”

The people gather behind your mother and you know that you have to say something. You swallow and try to think of what Lexa would say. You breath in and start talking, “Now that the Mountain Men are gone, Mount Weather is empty. We have reclaimed it for the ground. It is going to be a place where all of the clans can come and gather together. It's where we'll rehabilitate the grounders who were turned into reapers. We'll use the technology that's inside of Mount Weather to make life a little easier for us down here.”

There are cheers going around. You do see a few frowns in the crowd. Octavia has her arms crossed and Jasper just stares right through you with a dead look on his face. You swallow again and look down. You turn to your mom, “We probably need to talk about what's going to happen in Mount Weather.”

Your mom nods, “But first, I think we should celebrate.” Your mom looks past you at Lexa, “Commander, do you have time to have a meal with us?”

Lexa is the Commander once again and not the girl in the tent with you that was making plans for the future. She nods politely to your mom, “Of course. If it would be okay with you, Chancellor, we would like to set up camp just outside the gates of Camp Jaha.”

“Of course,” your mom smiles, “Stay as long as you like.”

Lexa turns to her people and starts giving orders. Kane walks up to you and your mom, “What are they doing?”

“They're going to stay here for a little while,” your mom tells him.

“After everything that happened, we're just going to -” he starts, but before you can interrupt him, your mom does.

She puts her hand on your shoulder, “We're all just trying to survive down here. They've offered us an alliance. We're not in a place to turn them down.” She looks to you, “What do you think Clarke? Since you're in charge?”

You roll your eyes at your mom, but when you look out at Lexa pointing people where they need to go, you nod, “This is good. We have a common enemy again. The Ice Queen wants more land and more power. Camp Jaha is an easy target. Lexa will help protect us.”

“And you trust her?” Kane crosses his arms looking out at the grounders.

You nod immediately, “I do.”

Kane takes a deep breath through his nose, “Alright.” He walks out toward Lexa and asks if her people need any help. A smile tugs at the corners of your lips.

Your mom directs the supplies into the Ark. The Sky People and the grounders alike carry food and medical supplies into the Ark. They carry tools and technology that your people will use to better take care of themselves. You've turned a questionable choice that you made into something that will help your people grow. It helps you breathe a little better.

Kane organizes a feast with the food that they already had on the Ark. You tell your mom, Kane, Bellamy, and Octavia all about your plans for Mount Weather and the other clans. Lexa sits silently next to you with Indra next to her. There are guards standing behind you and behind the Sky People leaders on the other side of the table. The tension between Octavia and Indra is almost palpable.

Lexa speaks in low Trigedasleng. It's directed at Octavia, Indra, and Lincoln. Octavia opens and closes her mouth. She responds to Lexa in a menacing tone. Indra snaps at Octavia. It seems she reprimands her former protege. Octavia's response is cut short by Lexa who calmly speaks. She says Lincoln's name, but that's all you understand. When Octavia looks at Lincoln, he nods. Octavia's eyes move cautiously to Indra before dropping to the table. Indra does the same and they both fall silent.

You elbow Lexa gently. She turns to you. You raise your eyebrows in questions. She leans over and whispers to you, “Octavia didn't know that Indra released Lincoln to rescue her.”

“And you let it happen?” you raise your eyebrows, “Even after you drug him off?”

She nods, her eyes moving to her food that she resumes eating. “He chose his heart over his people.” Her eyes flicker to him. He looks scared of the much younger Commander and looks away. “It's not a choice most of us have.”

“But the alliance means that no one has to choose anymore,” you tell her gently.

She hides a smile that's only meant for you, “Yes. The alliance means that the Sky People are my people too.”

“And your people are our people,” your mom adds. “We don't have much to offer, but we have knowledge that we can share.”

“Vital knowledge,” Lexa replies, looking at your mother. “It will be very helpful moving forward.”

People start moving around to light torches as the sun goes down. A few of the grounders do the same in the small camp right outside of the gates.

When the prospect of where you're going to sleep pops up in your mind, you panic. You don't want to sleep away from Lexa. Sure with her there are still nightmares, but when you wake up everything is okay because she's there. You don't think you can handle sleeping in your old bunk in the Ark unless she's with you and it's not proper for her to sleep anywhere, but her tent. You push the thought off because no one is going to bed yet, but the idea of being split up from Lexa makes you anxious and you haven't even left dinner.

Monty and Miller break out the moonshine as everyone is finishing their food. The grounders take to drinking with the Sky People easily. You watch the small group exchange stories and laugh together. You drink enough so that you're brave enough to take Lexa's hand under the table.

She adjusts her grip on your hand and looks to you. You're not sure how to tell her that you just want to hold her hand. You just run your thumb the length of her fingers hoping that maybe that can explain it. Her nod is subtle, but you see it. She understands.

You both get pulled into separate conversations, but you keep hold of each other's hands. You even spot one of the guards smiling at the two of you as he stands stoically behind Lexa. When you see him, he straightens up, but you can't help, but smile.

You've had your fill of drinking so you stand from the table. Lexa looks up at you, but you put your hand on her shoulder to keep her seated. She's in a deep philosophical discussion with Kane about leadership and death. It's not a conversation you want to interrupt, but it's not one that you want to keep listening to. Lexa may handle death like a passing breeze, but you don't.

You spot Bellamy near the fence with a cup in his hand. He's laughing with Echo. He's cute when he's got a crush. You turn back toward your crush – your more than a crush. She's poking the table with her index finger as she speaks, hammering home a point she's trying to make with Kane. He looks dumbstruck for a moment before nodding. He leans back and smile. You can see him say that she's right. You grin. Of course she is.

You look around all of the people mingling together. The handful of grounders seems to have been welcomed with open arms by the Sky People. You see your mother hand her drink to Raven, who is standing protectively behind her. Your mom kneels down in front of a ground warrior, tenderly feeling her lower leg outside of her pants. When the grounder winces, your mother stands. She gestures to the Ark and the three of them disappear inside.

This is what you wanted all along. You wanted a symbiotic relationship with the grounders. You wanted to learn from each other and help each other. These are the people that you carry the burden for. These are the people you pulled the lever to save. These are the people Lexa ignored her feelings to save. They're a mixture of both of your sacrifices and a mixture of your burdens. And as much as you want to, you don't feel like you'll ever fully fit in again.

You find your way to Lexa's tent, barely noticing the guards following you to stand post outside. You look around at the familiar set up. Everything is in the same place as it was before. You take off your jacket and drop it on the map table that is currently bare. You kick off your boots, at home in a space that wasn't made for you.

You find your bag of gifts from the people of Polis laying next to the bed. You suppose that the grounders know now that you and Lexa share a tent no matter where you are. You move to it and extract the book with the blank pages. You find a pencil in the small basket of supplies next to the map table. You push your jacket off of the table and open the book. You lean on the table and do something that you haven't done in a long time. You draw.

The first sketch is quick, but represents a pretty good likeness of Lexa. You drew her sitting on her throne, legs crossed, and paint on her face like the first time you met her. The next sketch is lighter. You draw her with her head bowed, a small smile on her lips like she's trying to hide it. You look at that sketch for a while, loving how it makes you feel.

You know that you'll never truly capture who Lexa is, but you'll fill up thousands of books like this one trying.

The door opens and the object of your sketches steps into the tent. You quickly shut the book and tuck it under you arm. She looks questioningly at you. You put the pencil down. “Done already?”

“It has been a long while since you left the table, Clarke,” she answers you. As she walks toward you, she unbuckles her pauldron, then her belt. She places them both aside before unbuttoning her coat.

You shrug, “I must have...lost track of time,” you try to figure out how to move the book back into your backpack without Lexa noticing.

She shakes her head at you, falling back onto the throne, “I will not ask what you were doing.”

Your shoulders fall and you look at her, “I was just..sketching a little.”

“Sketching?” Lexa asks like the word is foreign to her.

You pick up the pencil, “Drawing.”

She nods in understanding. She hooks her leg over one arm of the throne and leans sideways in it. You quickly open up your book to capture an image you weren't sure you would ever see. Her eyes lazily swing to you, “Are you drawing me?”

“Yeah,” there's no use in denying it now. You keep your pencil moving.

She starts pulling the braids out of her hair, leaving wavy, wild hair. She pushes it out of her face and you have something completely different to capture. She's so beautiful.

When her head snaps toward you, you realize that you just called her beautiful out loud. There's a question in her eyes, but no anger. You smile. “Do you ever let your hair down like this in Polis?”

“Sometimes,” she pushes up off of the throne. She unbuckles the knife from her thigh. “Kalida usually does my hair. She likes to do the braids.” She tosses it onto the table and then removes her gloves.

“She never comes with you?” you ask, looking at your book.

“No,” Lexa walks the perimeter of the tent, slowly and deliberately, “It's too dangerous for her.”

You don't really see Kalida lasting long anywhere that doesn't have running water. You finish up a sketch and close the book again. This time you just walk it to the backpack and place it inside. You watch her walk around for a moment before moving back to the map table. You lean back on it. “When are we leaving?”

“The Chancellor said that we could stay as long as we wanted,” Lexa stops walking and moves toward you. She stops a respectful distance away, “I was going to ask what you wanted to do.”

You shrug, “Whatever you think.” You catch her eyes, feeling her looking deep into yours. You put your hands on her hips and pull her to you. She keeps the momentum going by dipping her head down and kissing you. You sigh into her mouth. Her hands stand on your neck, but push back into your hair. She's so gentle with you like if she touches you too roughly, you'll disintegrate.

You move to the bed, pulling her down toward you so that she straddles your lap. Your kisses continue, deep and slow. You know where this is going and you know it's going to take a long time to end. You move your lips to her neck. You're taking time this time to find out what she likes. You're going to worship her body in a way that you should have been doing all along.

She unbuttons your shirt, breaking a lingering kiss to look at your face and make sure that she's allowed to touch you. For someone who is known for being ruthless, she is the most gentle, tender creature you've ever met. She's strong, but she'll bend when it can help you.

You push your shoulders back so that she can push your shirt off of your arms. She rids you of your bra and you return the favor. Her hands are swift and nimble, exploring your body with an endless curiosity. She places her hand in the middle of your back and gently pushes you into laying on the bed.

With her hovering over you, you feel a myriad of emotions. You're nervous. You've done mean things to her, vicious things that make you ashamed of yourself. You don't deserve the way she looks at you. But when she touches your face with the tips of her fingers, all that doubt fades away. You know that you love her. She's beautiful and she's broken, but she's strong. You're strong together.

You don't say anything. You just push up with your elbows so that you can kiss her. You're going to take your time making sure that you're doing your best to kiss the cracks in her soul, hoping that enough kisses will heal them.

You break the kiss for a moment because you want to look at her. You love the way her eyes envelop you in a feeling of warmth. She's your shelter and she's your safe place. You haven't been that for her. You've been a hurricane of emotions that ha s taken advantage of her. 

You don't realize you're crying until she touches your face. You holds your face in both of her hands, wiping your tears away with her thumbs. “Clarke.”

She doesn't say anything else. Your name is all she needs to say. It pulls you back to her. Your name in her mouth has always been your favorite place for it. You shake your head slowly. “I'm sorry.”

She searches your face for the answer to what you're sorry for. She seems to find it and wipes your tears away again, “You did what you had to do to survive.”

You roll the idea around in your head. You were doing what you thought you had to do to punish her. You blamed her so you wouldn't go crazy. Maybe it helped you survive, but it wasn't right. “I don't want to hurt you to survive,” you brush the hair away from her face, “You deserve better than that. We deserve better than that.”

She looks away, “Maybe.”

“No,” you're not going to let her doubt you. You mean it, “We deserve to be happy. So much has happened. We should be happy now because we don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.”

She seems unsure. You see a slight fear in her eyes. She doesn't want to risk letting herself be happy. You remember what she told you about Costia. You know how vigilant she was after your attempted assassination. You want her to be happy and if you can help, you will. You'll wait as long as it takes because her smile is worth it.

You place your hand on top of one of hands, pressing it to your face. You run your fingers across the back of her hand. You smile at her. She's not perfect. She's so much better than that. She's strong and vulnerable. She's young and she's trying. She's brilliant and she's scared. She's so much better than perfect.

You roll her onto her back.  You dip your head down and kiss her. You take your time, keeping your mo v e me nts slow and purposeful. You watch pleasure wash over her like the ocean waves. With her head tilted back and her mouth open, she holds onto your arms firmly just trying to make sure you're staying right with her.

You kiss her when she's relaxed. You've mapped her entire body with your mouth and your hands. You run kisses down her jaw, her neck, and across your shoulder. Her hand gently finds it's way into your hair. She doesn't try to move you. She just wants to touch you.

You lay down next to her, but keep your arm around her. She kisses your forehead when you snuggle into her side. You kiss her neck. You never feel safer than when you do in her arms. 

You wake up the next morning to a sleepy Commander softly groaning next to you. There is noise outside of the tent and it seems it has woken Lexa up, but not enough to get her to move from the bed. You suppose that you did keep her up late. When you remember the night before you smile. You kiss her cheek and then under her jaw. You kiss her neck. 

She lets out something too high pitched to be a groan, but too low to be a whine. You smile wider when you realize that she's awake and just trying to delay getting out of bed, “Who knew the Commander isn't a morning person?” You brush her hair out of her face. 

Lexa opens one eye and smiles when she sees you looking at her. She rolls into you, hiding her face against your chest. 

You wrap your arms around her, “How long does it usually take Kalida to get out you out of bed in the morning?” 

“The company in my bed usually isn't so enticing,” she quietly calls from the protection of your body.

She's sweet. You tilt your head down to rest your forehead on top of her head. You're prepared to lay in bed with her all day. 

But someone outside doesn't seem to want to let you. There is the clashing of swords and yelling in Trigedasleng. Lexa is out of the bed before you can fully understand that you 're probably need to be outside. 

“You left me!” It's a yell that belongs to Octavia. 

Indra yells back, “You disobeyed orders!”

Lexa pulls on some pants and boots. Then she grabs an elastic bra out of her trunk, pulling it over her torso before grabbing her sword and marching outside. You get dressed as quickly as possible as well, forgoing shoes because you're already so far behind. 

The yell from Lexa's mouth is a roar. When you look out the door of the tent, you see Octavia and Indra standing in the field next to the grounder camp with their swords out. You watch Lexa yell at the guard behind her and they stop following her. 

Lexa points her sword at Indra and then at Octavia. Then she raises it over her head, bringing it down at Octavia. Octavia blocks the blow with her sword, but Lexa keeps going after her. Your eyes widen. You don't know what Lexa is doing. You start running toward them. “Lexa! Lexa, stop!” You're caught by the guards who hold you back. You see Kane and Bellamy start running from Camp Jaha with guns in their hands. 

Lexa trips Octavia up and she lands on her back on the ground, her sword sliding away. Lexa raised her sword again at Octavia. Just as she brings it down, you hear two yells. One is Bellamy's and the other is Indra's. Lexa's sword is blocked by Indra before it kills Octavia. 

The fight between Lexa and Indra is explosive. For every strike there is a parry. For every parry there is a counterstrike. When Lexa manages to land a kick on Indra's stomach, Octavia runs at Lexa. She jumps, swinging her sword high. You yell, “No!” and try to get away from the guards who are both so much stronger than you. 

“It's okay,” one of them assures you. “Heda will be okay.” They loosen their grip on you and you just stand there, entranced. 

Lexa ducks a swing and then delivers one of their own. She dodges a hit from Octavia and hits the warrior in her face with the hilt of her sword. As Octavia is recoiling, she kicks Octavia's sword from her hand. Indra thrusts her sword at Lexa who barely moves out of the way. She hooks her arm through Indra's and ducks down, pulling Indra over her back. She grabs Indra's sword in the process. 

After Indra hits the ground her own sword is at her neck. Lexa's sword is pointed at Octavia. You see Bellamy take aim down the sights of his gun. You're sure he's about to pull the trigger when Lexa moves the swords away. She buries Indra's sword in the dewy ground and picks up Octavia's sword by the blade. She offers the handle of the sword to Octavia who pushes up on her elbows. She takes the sword while Lexa tells her something in Trigedasleng. Lexa turns from Octavia and offers her hand to Indra. Indra takes it, still trying to maintain her anger. 

Octavia stands on her own and sheaths her sword. She mumbles something to Indra before walking back toward Camp Jaha. 

Lexa turns around and walks to you, sweat gathering in a sheen over her torso. Her tattoos ripples with her movements. She looks at you and hands her sword to one of the guards. “What was that about?” you ask.

“They needed to remember who they fight for,” Lexa wipes her forehead with the back of her hand. She keeps walking and you join her, moving back to the tent. “And they needed to remember that they care about each other even if they're mad at each other now.”

A smile crosses your face and you open the tent flap for Lexa. You look back toward Camp Jaha. You see Bellamy with his arms crossed, looking toward you. There's a smile on his face. You answer his smile with a smile and a shrug. Then you duck into the tent. 

“Do you always establish your dominance like that?” you ask as you start to look for your boots.

She grabs a black shirt and then pulls it over her head. It's a little loose on her, but somehow on her the simple shirt becomes regal when it hangs on her shoulders. “ When I need to.”

You grab your boots and pull them on. You look at your shirt and see that it's Lexa's tank top. In your rush, you didn't realize what you were putting on. You pick up your shirt and pull it up your arms over Lexa's shirt. She doesn't say anything. She just picks up her knife and straps it to her thigh. 

“How's your leg?” you nod toward her. 

She shrugs, “It's fine.” She straps her knife to her uninjured thigh. “Today we need to take your healers to Mount Weather and hunt for the River Clan.”

You nod, “Okay.”

Her eyes turn from those of the Commander to those of Lexa. She softens when she looks right at you, “You don't have to go to Mount Weather.  Echo can lead the team.” You're about to argue with her when she adds, “I can teach you how to hunt.”

That thought alone makes you smile. You bite your lip as you look at her and find her blushing. You answer her, “Yeah, let's do that.”

Once you're both dressed, you move to Camp Jaha. The guards follow, two lumbering trees trunks behind you. You touch Lexa's back and say, “I'll go get some food. You sit down.”

She offers you a flash of a smile and then moves to the middle of the table. Indra is already sitting there and when Lexa sits across from her Indra greets her normally. Octavia is leaning on the outside of the Ark near the food table when you step up to it. It looks like they left the fruit out overnight and some of it froze. You pick up a handful of nuts and toss one into your mouth before you say hello to Octavia.

She turns a glare your way, but looks toward the table. You shrug it off and pick up a piece of bread that looks fresh and some of the less frozen fruit. You get two cups of water out of a container that used to be on the Ark. When you walk to the table you find that your mom, Kane, and Raven have joined Lexa and Indra. Your mom is explaining something to Lexa who is listening intently. 

They're talking about Mount Weather and what's to become of it. Your mother is excited of the prospect of an actual medical facility and seems wholly undeterred by the fact that she was tortured inside of it. Kane is concerned with what the Sky People can bring to an alliance, but Lexa tells him that you already told her about it and the alliance is intact.

You all hammer out the details of who is going to go to Mount Weather first. They want to get Mount Weather operational again as quickly as possible, but Kane is concerned about any weapons in the mountain that there might be. You suggest that once they know of all the weapons that all the leaders of the clans come together to discuss what to do with it. It is agree d upon that the acid fog will not be brought back online. The room that the acid tanks were in is to be stripped and turned into something useful. 

You and Lexa finish all the food you brought. When the meeting is over, you convince her to let your mom look at her leg again. 

You're in the infirmary leaning back on the wall, watching your mom look at Lexa's leg. Your mom changes the bandage on it, “You should probably take it easy today.”

Lexa nods.

You narrow your eyes at her. You know that hunting is probably her idea of taking it easy. You know better than to argue with her though. She pulls her pants back on and stands.

Your mom peels off her gloves and turns to you, “What are you doing today?”

“We're going to go hunting for food for the River Clan,” you tell her. “The Sky People should probably take a rotation taking them food too.”

You mom nods. “We will.” She hugs you. 

You and Lexa walk out together. You stop at her tent to pick up two bows and some arrows as well as both of your swords. The guards try to follow you, but Lexa tells them that you're not going far and she'll call for them when you need them to carry back something.

You both quietly walk out into the middle of the forest until you can't hear the noise from Camp Jaha anymore. Then you stop, sitting down at the base of a tree and keeping watch around you. 

You're sitting next to each other, both watching for any animal movement. You rest your head on her shoulder, watching your breath disappear into the air. She sits still, a warm statue for you to rest against.

“What happens if the Ice Queen gives up?” you ask.

Lexa doesn't speak immediately. When she does, it's quiet so it doesn't scare any animals, “I don't know. There will be nothing left to unify the clans.” Lexa moves her bow to rest across her shins. “But the Ice Queen won't give up.”

You figured that she wouldn't. Someone who is unafraid to go against Lexa has got to be some kind of crazy. You think about what would happen if Lexa had to lead an army to the Ice Nation to take her out. It scares you because you remember what happened on Mount Weather. She's not a leader that stands in a tent and tells everyone what to do. She lead a charge up the side of the mountain with her sword out. You're not sure what losing her would do to you now that you've found such a safe harbor in her.

“Clarke,” she whispers.

You break out of your head and look to where she's pointing. You sit up straight and see a rabbit poke it's head out of a bush. She hands you an arrow. You thread it easily and pull the arrow back. She turns toward you, adjusting your aim a little. Then she puts her hands on your sides. Her head is right next to yours and her lips brush your ear when she whispers, “Take a deep breath and hold it. Only shoot when you're sure. Be patient.”

You move the arrow around trying to find a good aim. Lexa helps you until you're sure. Then you let the arrow fly. It goes straight through the target. You look to Lexa immediately so see what she thinks about it. She smiles in approval and it makes you smile back. “I don't think it's going to feed all the River Clan.”

She touches your back supportively, “It's a start.”

You manage to shoot another rabbit, but miss a raccoon. You talk Lexa into staying in the forest longer than she wants to because you want at least one more. Maybe it wasn't just so that you could get more food. You just want to be alone with Lexa. You want to forget everything and just live with Lexa in the forest. You don't want to go back to being leaders. You don't want to be Heda Kom Skaikru and Heda Kom Trikru. You want to be Clark and Lexa. 

She sees through your stalling tactics after the third time. She takes your hand as you walk back to Camp Jaha. 

The caravan to Mount Weather is gearing up. Echo is walking around the group of horses. When Lexa walks toward her she looks away. It makes Lexa stop and drop your hand. She takes two steps toward Echo before Echo looked back at her. She just comes out and says what she didn't want Lexa to know, “One of the horses is gone, Heda.”

Lexa's eyes flicker from horse to horse. Lexa cements her mental note with a nod and then walks to Indra. You start to walk to them before Bellamy stops you. He has a gun over his shoulder. “Are you going?”

You shake your head. 

He nods like he understands. 

“Are you going?” you ask him. You can see the answer in his face. He's going. You know that he's probably had some of the same problems dealing with what happened that you've had. “Why?”

“I'm hoping to figure that out by the time I get there,” he looks toward the forest in the general direction of Mount Weather. 

You understand that he deals with things different than you do. You offer him a hug, “I dug Maya a grave. She's on the left side of the main door by the tree.”

Bellamy squeezes you before letting you go. “Thanks, Clarke.”

Your mom walks toward you with a backpack over her shoulder. “Have you changed your mind?” she asks you. 

You take the bow off of your shoulder and show her the rabbits that Lexa tied to your bow. “I have to clean these.”

“Wow,” Bellamy grins, “You could feed a whole family of two small children with those.”

You push his shoulder, “Shut up. It's my first bow hunting trip.”

“Make sure and check for rabies, honey,” your mom put her hand on your shoulder and kisses your head. “Are you going to be here when we get back?”

You nod. “Yeah. We'll be here.” You look over her shoulder at Lexa. She looks worried. The look on her face puts an immediate damper on your mood. 

Your mom follows your eyes. You see her look at you and ask, “Has anything been suspicious lately?”

“What?” your mom asks.

You furrow your brows and shake your head, “Nothing. I'm just...Lexa looks-” You stop yourself. You don't want to worry anyone else. “Preoccupied.” You hug your mom and then Bellamy. “Be careful. I'll see you when you come back.”

“Here,” your mom takes a radio from her backpack, “Now you can reach us.”

You look it over. You haven't had the fallback of a radio in a long time. You hook it to your belt, “Thanks.”

“Don't go running off before we we back,” your mom hugs you again. You think she's going to keep hugging you over and over again because you left without telling anyone, but Bellamy. 

You see Lexa call Lincoln to her. She tells him something in clipped Trigedasleng. His eyes turn to Octavia and he seems to be asking her a silent question. Lexa gets frustrated with them and adds something. They both nod together. Octavia mounts a horse rides it to Lincoln who hopes on behind her. They take off trotting into the woods.

Now you really need to know what's going on. You leave your mom and Bellamy to their caravan, led by Echo, and catch Lexa walking off with Indra toward the tent, “What's going on?”

Lexa turns to you and you see that she's not angry or upset at all. “They're going hunting.” She kicks at the grass, “They're also going to look for my missing horse.”

You tilt your head, “Is it a special horse?”

“It's the fastest horse we have,” she looks at the bow in your hand with the rabbits danging off of the end. “Do you know how to clean one of those?”

“Of course,” you answer. You learned how to do it in Earth Skills. In theory. 

Lexa hands you her knife, “Good. I'm hungy.”

You smile at her and take the knife out of her hand. You walk over to a clearing and sit down. Whatever happens is going to be a complete mess and you don't want it to be around any of the tents where people sleep. You sit on a small hill so whatever blood there is will run down the hill. 

Lexa sits down next to you. Her eyes turn to the sky as you start the process. You glance over at her, watching her neck extend so that she see the whole of the sky. It's a wonder that the woman sitting in front of you recently lost her father. You know it's not because she doesn't care. She has just mastered the ability to move feelings around and use them when she needs them, pulling them out when appropriate and pushing them back when she doesn't need them anymore. 

You wonder if you'll ever be able to do that. Sometimes it feel like all your emotions are on a low simmer at all times and occasionally flare up, but they're always there. 

“What do you think your life would have been like if you weren't Commander?” you ask, struggling with the knife. 

Lexa moves her arms around you and adjusts your hands to make it easier for you. Then she curls back into herself. She extends her longs legs and leans back on her hands. “I would probably still be in my village. I might have been a warrior.” She looks over at you. She shrugs, “I haven't really thought about it. I've been the Commander for as long as I can remember.”

“That long?” you ask her. Her entire memory probably spans back until she was a little older than a toddler. You can't imagine a five year old Lexa sitting in her throne. Actually, the mental picture of it is cute, but it also makes you sad. She's never been someone who was not living for her people. She's never lived for herself. 

“What would you be if you weren't on the ground?” Lexa asks. 

You finish gutting the first rabbit and move on to the second one, “Dead. The Ark was failing. That's why we came down here. It wasn't made to be up in space that long.” You have thought about what would have happened if your father hadn't found out about the systems failing. You wonder what would have happened had he decided not to tell anyone about it. Everyone would probably still be up on the failing Ark, people getting floated left and right to try to conserve what little operational systems that were left. You probably would have died that way. Floating off into space, your body burning up in the atmosphere. You wonder if Lexa ever saw any of the falling bodies and thought they were stars. You wonder if she saw your dad. 

She looks over at you, worried. You look down at see that your hands have stilled. You resume what you were doing. You shake your head, “But I wanted to be a doctor like my mom.”

“Doctors are important,” Lexa leans forward and bends her knees, resting her forearms on them, “You would have been the best doctor on the Ark.”

You shrug, “Maybe.”

Lexa doesn't answer you. Her eyes are back in the sky. A chilly breeze swirls between you, but she doesn't act like it affect s her at all. She closes her eyes, letting the sun lay across her skin. She seems content in her moment so you don't say anything. You just clean your kills. 

When you're  d one, you both walk up toward the Ark where there is a fire in the ground that they've been using to cook with. Your small pieces of meat are so tiny next to the large chunks that are being cooked for the midday meal. Lexa doesn't say anything. As it's cooking, she tells you all the things you can do with the furs. 

Then when you burn the meat, she eats it anyway, not complaining in the least. While you're eating your tiny portions of meat, Octavia and Lincoln ride back in with two deer, only one with two faces, and a bear. It seems you have failed miserably as a hunter. 

Lexa smiles watching all the people run out to them to see their haul. You search for Indra who is trying to contain the pride in her face. No matter what happened on Mount Weather, you know Indra grew to care for Octavia. 

“I'm never hunting again,” you tell Lexa, not moving from the table you're sitting at.

Lexa laughs quietly, “You'll get better.”

The radio on your belt crackles and you hear Bellamy calling for you. You put it to your lips, “I'm here.”

“We just made it to Mount Weather,” he tells you. “It took us a little longer than we thought because Raven refused to ride a horse.”

You can hear Raven in the background yell, “That horse tried to kill me.”

You smile, “Alright. Are you going to be okay? Are you coming back today or are you going to camp out?”

“Abby says we should probably stay the night,” Bellamy answers. “We'll be back early tomorrow.”

“Okay,” you hold down the button to speak, “Are you going to be okay out there?”

“Yeah,” Bellamy's voice comes in clear over the radio, “The grounder guards let us in with no problems. Raven and Wick are heading down to the turbines to see what they can do to get those fixed.” 

Your eyes flicker to Lexa who is watching Lincoln, Octavia, and a few more people move their haul somewhere it can be cleaned, but you know she's listening to you. You don't mind at all. You press the button, “How are the reapers?”

“I'm about to go down there with Abby,” he says, “I don't know if I'll have a signal down there, but I'll update you.”

“Thanks, Bellamy,” you end your conversation with him and put the radio back on your belt. 

Lexa takes nother tough bite of the food you made her. You sigh softly, but with a smile on your face, “You really don't have to eat that.”

The swallows what's in her mouth and looks toward you, “It's good.”

“It's terrible,” you smile at her attempt to make you feel better. You take what's left in her hand and throw it across the camp.

She looks indignantly at you, but there's no threat in her eyes. 

When everyone comes back into the camp, you and Lexa get pulled in seperate ways. Kane asks you about the alliance, asking any question he can think of and about how trustwrothy you think the leaders are. He's careful not to bring up Lexa specifically, but you know that's really what she's asking. 

“Lexa will take care of her people,” you tell Kane, “We'll take care of ours. And when we can, we'll all take care of each other.”

He seems to take you at your word. You don't know how much he trusts your judgement. The sun starts to set when you get away from Kane. You look around for Lexa. You don't see her anywhere so you assume that she's in the tent. You immediately make your way to it. Not seeing her for this long makes your hand twitch once at your side. It makes you feel a little lost.

When you walk past the guards into the tent, you find Lexa pulling her shirt off. You avert your eyes, “Oh, sorry.”

“Does my skin in the daylight offend you?” Lexa asks with a airy quality that you know means she knows the answer to that question.

“No. Of course not-it's just,” It's just stupid. You're being weird. You look at her and see her pulling a shirt on. You see peeks of her tattoo across her back before the shirt falls over her. You shake your head, “I just – I'm used to -” You give up trying to explain. 

She smiles. She leans back on her table and motions you to her. You move toward her, sliding your hands onto her neck and up to her jaw when you get close enough. Her skin gives you a calm that doesn't seem to come from anyone else. You kiss her, having missed her for maybe an hour. 

Her hands press to your sides, holding you close to her. This is where you're finally happy. Lexa gives you so much room to be yourself, while still being constantly present if you stumble. You break the kiss so that you can hug her because that seems more intimate in this moment. You press your body to hers and close your eyes. 

The way her body tenses in certain places, you know that she wants to ask if you're okay. “I like your tattoo,” you say to dispell her worry about you. 

She leans back to look at your face, “Really?”

“Yeah,” you briefly kiss her. You move your lips to her neck to make sure that she knows your intentions at the moment are anything, but innocent. 

She's pinned agaisnt the table and just as your hands start to wander under her shirt, your radio crackles to life. “Clarke.”

You sigh, dropping your head onto her shoulder. You take the radio off of you belt and turn roll yourself into Lexa, leaning back on her. She wraps her arms around your torso and you answer the radio, “Hey Mom.”

“I just wanted to check on everything,” your mom answers.

“Everything is fine,” you tell her, liking this position that you're standing in with Lexa. She rested her chin on your shoulder, taking a deep breath. “Octavia and Lincoln went hunting so we're probably going to have to make a trip to the River Clan soon.”

“We can talk about that when I get back,” your mom explains, “Raven said it'll take her a week or so to to get the turbines up and running, but the rehabilitation of the reapers is going well. It's easier with individual rooms to put them in.”

“Tell her to tell Echo to watch for Reapers that are still in the tunnels,” Lexa whispers to you.

You relay the message. 

“Thank you, Commander,” your mom speaks directly to Lexa even though you never told her Lexa was close. You don't have to ask how she knows. It must be a mom thing. Or an eyes thing. You and Lexa has been inseperable since you got to Polis. You follow her around, not letting her get far from you. You're starting to realize how clingy you have been. 

It makes you take a step away from Lexa. You don't let Lexa answer. You speak to your mom, “Are you doing okay up there? Do you need me there?”

“No, honey,” your mom answeres, “We're fine. We might have to stay a few more days though. I was to oversee the reapers.”

“Let me know if you need anything,” you answer. 

You rub your hands on your pants. Things are going well. Things are moving along and you don't have anything that you need to do. You take a deep breath. Your eyes move to Lexa who is watching you. You don't know what to do. The dust is settling around you and you're standing still. 

You don't want to ask Lexa what to do. You keep asking her what to do. So you offer her your hand, “Let's go on a walk.”

“A walk?” Lexa asks, but put her hand in yours. 

You nod, wrapping your fingers around hers, “Not far.” 

You just walk out to the clearing where the grounder camp was, the first time your people met. You keep hold of her hand even though you're sure there are people watching. When you're Lexa and Clarke, someone is always watching. The sun disappears below the trees while you're walking in large circles around the clearing. Neither one of you speak. 

You're thinking about everything that happened from the time your dad got floated to this moment. You look over at Lexa to see what she's doing. Her eyes are turned to the sky again. Instead of asking her if she's okay, you gently squeeze her hand.

Lexa speaks, but it doesn't seem to break the peace around you. Her voice blends in to the trees, not seeming out of place at all. Her words are Trigedasleng. You let the words linger for a moment before asking what she said. 

“When I would visit him my father used to tell me that spirits destined to be together always find a way to each other,” she looks at you.

You smile gently and walk a little closer to her, “Even if one spirit has to fall out of the sky.”

She looks down and nods, “Yes.” There's a subdued smile on her face when she looks at you. 

You look back toward the camp. The torches have been lit and the people are starting to move to the long table to sit down. “I know you didn't get a lot to eat at lunch. Are you hungry?”

She nods, but offers to keep walking with you. You pull her toward the camp. When you get to the gates, you part ways. You're going to get the fruit and nuts from the table and she is going to get the meat from the firepit where it's being cooked. 

You sit at the table. You see Lexa talking to Kane near the firepit so you know you're going to be waiting for a little bit. Monty comes to sit next to you and you immediately hug him.

He nods toward Lexa, “So are...you two a thing?”

You open your mouth and then close it. It's not something that was talked about or defined. It just happened. You nod, “Yeah, pretty much.”

He rests his arms on the table, “I'm happy for you, Clarke.”

“Thanks,” you look him over. Monty looks tired, but he still looks hopeful. You love that about him. You're sure that he'll always have that kindness and you admire him for it, “How have you been? Really?”

He shrugs, “Okay, I guess.”

“You get nightmares?” you ask him, knowing that sweet, kind Monty would never have done what you asked him to do on his own. 

His smile falls and he nods, “Yeah. Sometimes.”

“I'm sorry,” you put your arm around him and give him a brief hug. 

He shakes his head, “You didn't have a choice and I was the only one that could do it.” He offers you another smile, “We have our people back though.”

You know all these things. You know that our other choice was to let your people be tortured and you couldn't do it. You know that Monty did what he needed to do and so did you and Bellamy. You know that none of it was easy for any of you. You still feel a twinge of guilt in the back of your head. All those people died and you can't changed what you did. You wouldn't change what you did even if you could. Maybe you would have tried not to involve Monty, but it was all a necessary evil. 

A metal plate full of meat is set down next to you. You look up and find Lexa swinging her leg over the  bench next to you. 

“I saw the fight you broke up this morning,” Monty addresses Lexa across you, “You're really great.”

“Thank you,” Lexa answers. She doesn't smile. She's probably used to people telling her that.

“Just, uh,” Monty pauses until Lexa looks at him, “Protect Clarke like that, yeah?” 

You're surprised at Monty's words, but smile when Lexa nods. “Of course.”

Monty pats your shoulder, “Enjoy your dinner, ladies.”

Lexa looks questioningly at you and you smile, “He's just protective of his friends.”

“Your people don't trust me,” Lexa states. She picks up a handful of berries from your bowl and starts eating.

You shake your head, “That's not true.”

“It is,” Lexa nods and shrugs, “It doesn't matter to me. They tolerate my presence because of you. They trust you.”

“And I trust you,” you assure her. 

She looks away from you because you know it affects her when you say things like that. You know she probably beat herself up pretty heavily after she left you on Mount Weather. She was sure she was never going to be allowed to be happy. You're glad she was wrong.

You kiss her right there at that table in the middle of Camp Jaha. You don't care who sees. It's a brief kiss, but when you open your eyes, Lexa's eyes are still closed. She exhales softly and her shoulders relax. When her eyes open, she looks over your face. Then a smile breaks out over her lips.

Monty steps up behind you and places two cups of his homemade liquor between you and slips a wildflower into your hand that's not next to Lexa. He shoots you a wink and walks off. 

You present Lexa with a flower, “This is for you.”

Her eyes light up, but she manages to keep her face subdued. She takes the flower from you and looks at it, “Thank you, Clarke.”

“Well it wasn't really -” you start, but Lexa waves you off. She doesn't care that it wasn't your idea.

You drink your alcohol and eat your food. People sit around you, but it feels like you and Lexa are the only ones there. People seem to realize that. You see Indra stop Kane from walking over and Monty stands off to the side, glaring at people who get close. 

You talk with Lexa about things that have nothing to do with being leaders for hours. Most of the people go to bed. The guards that are protecting you and Lexa huddle near the dying firepit. 

Your arm is through hers and you're huddled close together in the bitter cold as well. She suggests that you both go back to the tent. You know the look in her eyes. It's not mischevious. It's almost playful and you're excited about what is going to happen when you get back to the tent. You both run to the tent battling a howling wind. It's blowing the tent pretty heavily, but you know it'll stand. 

You shoot into the tent, out of the cold. Lexa pokes her head out of the tent and tells the guards to go to their tents. There isn't a protest because the wind outside of the Camp Jaha fence is strong and bitter. 

You take off your jacket and your shirt while Lexa fastens the door to the tent closed. You shuck off your pants. You're a little chilly, but when Lexa turns around the look on her face is worth it. She advances on you, her hands grabbing your body, and her lips brushing against yours.

You're breathless and surprised when she pins you to the table. She reaches down and grabs the back of your legs while you're trying to keep kissing her. A gasp later and you're sitting on the table. She pulls your bra off over your head, not wasting time with the clasp. 

You know this is going to be different. Lexa is taking control and the way she's kissing your neck tells you that the next few hours are going to be intense. 

You're so engrossed in the kiss that you're surprised by the hand that presses between your legs. You grab fistfuls of her hair in shock and arousal. You pull her into a deep  kiss , trying to keep your lips connected to hers even though your body is responding on it's own to her fingers. 

You close your eyes,  feeling her manipulate your body in ways that are driving you wild. You realize that Lexa is wearing way too much clothing for you so you start pulling her clothes off, and pulling her closer to you. 

The wind is loud around the tent, but all you can hear is Lexa's breath in your ear and your own whines of pleasure. You can feel yourself close to release so you pull her to you. You kiss her hard so that when your body seizes, she's holding you with her free hand. She's holding you up with one hand and helping you ride out a n orgasm that rocks through your body. 

She slows her movements and holds you with both of her arms. You catch your breath and kiss her shoulder. You're not done. Not by a long shot. You pull back and look at her face. When a smile breaks out on your face, you see the most pure smile you've ever seen on hers. You can't really manage to create words so you jerk your head toward the bed. 

She takes a step back from the table and holds your hand, helping you down. She doesn't take her eyes off of you as you move to the bed. Something about the way her eyes rake over your body, make you feel so sexy. She wants you. She wants all of you and when she lays down down on the she shows you just how much.

Despite the cold, the two of you work up a sweat under Lexa's blankets. You kiss every scar on her body and down the tattoo on her back. She makes you reach new highs each and every time,  she is gentle with you. 

You lay in bed with her and kiss her lazily, deep in the night. You smile when she brushes her nose against yours, moving her lips to better capture yours.

“You're very talented,” she sighs softly, holding you against her. 

You laugh lightly at her statement, “You are too.” You tuck your head under her chin and close your eyes. 

You can feel her smile even though you can't see it. She smooths out your hair on the top of your head and drops a kiss there.  You find her hand in the mess of blankets and furs. You hold her fingers and bring the back of her hand to your lips.

Those two kisses just said the words that don't need to be spoken. Your bond is stronger than it's ever been. You love her and she loves you. You fall asleep with a content smile on your face.

You are the first one awake and still in the same place you were the night before. Lexa 's hand is still in yours. You kiss the tops of her fingers. You breath e in the morning. The wind died down and you can hear people walking around outside. You kiss the side of her neck, “Lexa.”

She groans.

You grin, “Lexa. Time to get up.”

She shake s her head and tries to roll onto her side, but your torso is still on top of her so she can't. You wedge your hands between her shoulders and the bed, hooking your hands on her shoulders from behind. 

“Babe,” you lightly run your fingers across the tops of her shoulders. “It's time to get up.”

Her eyes begrudgingly open. She tries to hide a smile by grabbing your waist and rolling you over onto your side. You laugh and she pulls the blankets over both of your heads. Her head rests on your chest and you know she's going to try to go back to sleep.

“What is it going to take to get you out of bed?” you kiss her forehead.

She huffs, “I'll get up.”

You remove the blankets from your heads and watch her slowly sit up, rubbing her eyes. She wipes her face and looks over at you. A smile breaks out over her face and she puts her hands on either side of your hips. She leans down kisses you. Her lips trail down your neck and you close your eyes. “Is that a trick to try to stay in bed?”

“It's not a trick,” she disappears under the blankets and kisses down your stomach. 

When she reaches her destination it is most certainly not a trick. You know that the wind is not around to bury your sounds so you have to keep your moaning to a minimum. She brings you to a quick release and kisses the inside of your thighs before trailing kisses back up you stomach, between your breasts, up your neck, and landing on your lips. 

“I think we should stay in bed all day,” you grin up at her. An easy smile spreads across her face. She dips her head down and kisses you. You've never see her like this. You get her before the world does. You get the core of Lexa before her armor goes on. You know that these seconds are slipping away so you pull her down for one last long, languid kiss. 

After that, Lexa belongs to her people and you belong to yours. You have to get up and check on the progress at Mount Weather. She has to make sure that the alliance hasn't crumbled completely. You both get dressed in a mismatch of each other's clothes. You both wear your own pants, but she pulls on your blue top and you wear her black shirt. You put on a piece of armor that is her s , one that you wore on Mount Weather. The pauldron moves easily with your arm.  Lexa gives you the sword that the blacksmith gave you outside of Polis. Your hair got messed up last night and so did Lexa's so she braids your hair like Kalida did. Her hands are quick and skilled, but you already knew that.

You try to braid her hair intricately, like the other grounders do, but you end up just brushing out Lexa's hair and letting the waves flow. She teases you about it as she tosses you the radio, “I guess I'll have Lincoln do it.”

You roll your eyes and put the radio to your lips, “Anyone in Mount Weather on?”

You listen for a moment, but you don't hear anything back. You hook the radio onto your belt, “I'll try again in a few minutes. They're probably still underground.”

Lexa nods. You see her becoming the Commander again. Her face loses some of the ease of expression. She thinks harder about things. It's okay though because when the sun goes down again, she's yours. 

You walk to the long table outisde of Camp Jaha. You immediately seek out Monty. He's standing w ith Jasper near the entrace of the Ark. When Jasper sees you, he turns around and walks inside.

You share a light breakfast with Lexa before Kane takes her inside. Lexa tells the guards to stand at the gates of Camp Jaha. It's obvious that she's becoming more comfortable with your people. It makes you smile. You find Octavia standing by the firepit. She doesn't walk away from you so you count that as a win.

“You a grounder now?” she asks, looking at you and your clothes.

You shake your head, “I'm just me.”

Octavia looks across the camp. You follow her eyes and see her looking at Indra who is standing giving some low level guards some orders. 

“Do you need anything?” you ask. You want to bridge the gap between you and Octavia. You were friends once. At least you think you were. “Security wise? More weapons?”

She rubs her hands together and points them to the fire, “We need more swords and machetes.”

“I can get that,” you answer. “There's a blacksmith outside of Polis.” You draw your sword and show it to Octavia. She takes it and easily waves it in the air. She's so far beyond you when it comes to swordsmanship. “Maybe you should keep that.” You take the sheeth off of your belt, “I'll probably just hurt myself.”

Octavia looks at the sword and accepts the sheet h . She slips the sword inside and looks at you, studying your face. “You really trust her again?”

You nod. “She did what she had to do.”

Octavia looks in the fire and hooks the sword on her belt. “We need spears too. Some kind of projectile for  w hen the bullets run out.”

“Okay,” you put your hands on your hips, “I can do that.”

She looks from the fire to you and scratches the back of her neck, “You suck at hunting.”

You drop your head and smile, “I know.”

“I can...teach you,” she offers. “I mean when Lincoln tried to teach me the first time it didn't really take because we never had to do it on the Ark, but when you think about it a little differently, it's easier. And you know if I take you, you won't be too busy sucking face to see the deer.”

You roll your eyes, but you see the beginnings of a smile on her face. You don't want to leave the camp where Lexa is, but she's busy and eventually you're going to have to part. It's just the reality. Sometimes she's going to have to go to meetings without you. Hopefully, you'll both still be in Polis when it happens so you can look at the ocean while she's gone, but you still have to get used to it.

“Yeah,” you agree to let Octavia try to teach you, “Okay.” You tell the guards to let Lexa know when she's done talking to Kane that you went hunting and you'd be back before dark.

You both take a horse and  slowly ride into the woods. You tell Octavia that the horses aren't necessary, but she tells you that they are unless you want to drag a bear home with your hands,  then they are .

You watch her as you ride after her. She's the same adventurous Octavia she was before, but she's more controled now. She's wild, but it's directed. You feel like she's more herself here on the ground than she was ever allowed to be in the sky.

You take your bow off of your chest when Octavia does. She stills her horse and you stop yours right next to hers. You see a group of rabbits off to your right. You draw an arrow and aim, but the second you let the arrow go, they all scatter. You have a problem differentiating one from another and then you're not sure which one to aim at. They're all gone before you can shoot again.

“You have to let them split up on their own before you attack,” Octavia patiently explains. “You get one when it's alone and then you get the other ones when they're alone. You're too tense.”

You take a calming breath, “Okay. So...we're not bear hunting yet, right?”

Octavia laughs, “No t with you, Princess. Not until you can take down something bigger than a rabbit.”

You smile at the nickname. You can already feel the friendship between you and Octavia mending. It's nice.

You spend a few more minutes on the horses before you both dismount. You tie them to a tree and walk far enough away that they won't scare anything that you're hunting, but close enough so that you can still see them. 

You look up at the sky. An hour has to have passed already. Maybe two. You've been staring at the forest floor the entire time and not seeing any movement. You whisper, “I think they're all asleep.”

Octavia turns around and looks at you, “How did you survive by yourself in the woods?”

“I hunted berry bushes,” you tell her and look at the ground again. You're getting bored. Lexa made hunting fun when she whispered things your ear and put her arms around you to fix your aim. It's not fun when there a zero percent chance of sucking face.

You feel Octavia tense behind you and turn around. She has her sword out as a large figure approaches very quickly on the horizon. When it gets closer on the flatter ground, you can see that it's a horse. It's actually Lexa's missing horse. You can tell by the brown patches around its eyes. There's a rider on it. He's leaning forward and swaying slightly. When he gets close enough, you can see that there's blood all over the front of his shirt. He's out of breath when he calls for help. The horse stops next to you and Octavia. 

The man pants, “The Ice Queen...Mount Weather.” He points to the direction he came from. He turns his horse around, “Hurry.”

Fear strikes your heart like lightning. Octavia starts moving before you do toward your horses. You both mount them and start racing toward Mount Weather. As you're riding, you pull the radio from your belt. “Bellamy!” You hold the radio close in the air rushing past you as the horse runs as fast as it can. It starts to slow and move next to you.

“Clarke!” Bellamy yells from the radio, “It's a trap! It's a -” There static and then it cuts off.

“Clarke!” Octavia yells. “Look out!”

You look up, but it's only in time to see a rock flying at your face. You barely register flying off of the horse. When you hit the ground, everything goes black.

Your head is trobbing. You feel an uncomfortable pressure around your waist. You're also bouncing rather violently. You look around. You're tied around your waist to the back of a horse. You look up expecting to see the man who knocked you out, but you find Octavia's hair flying in the wind. 

“Octavia?” you ask, trying to sit up, but finding that it only makes you slide down the side of the horse. You grab onto Octavia and pull yourself up. 

She doesn't look away from the direction you're riding in to help you sit up. You untie the belt that was holding you onto the horse and grab onto Octavia, “Where are we?” 

“We're going back to the Camp to get Lincol, Indra, and Lexa,” Octavia answers. “I didn't notice before, but he was leading us away from Mount Weather.” Octavia clenches her jaw. She bends down and urges the horse faster. You hold only her, looking over her shoulder. You can tell you're getting close. 

Octavia doesn't slow the horse when you get to the clearing.  As you're riding, you see something out of the corner of your eye. It's a group of people. You spot your mom in the clearing next to Raven and Wick. Their hands are tied together and then a length of rope has tied them all together.  They're all on their knees . Your heart drops. You see a warrior walking in front of them. She's tall and tan with light blue tattoos on her shoulders. She immediately spots you and hurls a spear at you. You grab Octavia and tackle her off of the horse  to avoid being impaled.

The spear flies over your head and the horse takes off into the woods. 

The wind is knocked out of you, but Octavia quickly gets up. You see Lincoln running toward you from Camp Jaha. His sword is out and he jumps over you and Octavia to take out an Ice Nation warrior.  Octavia pops up after him as a few more soldiers join the fray.

You scramble to get up and  get to your people. Your eyes catch Bellamy's first. He yells at you, “Run! It's a trap!” You see more soldiers emerging from the tents where the grounders were staying outside of Camp Jaha. You turn around and find that Lincoln and Octavia have been captured, leaving a small pile of soliders behind them. You're surrounded and the Ice Nation has your people.

You look back toward Camp Jaha. There's no one outside of the gates, but you can see eye peeking out from all the windows. The Ice Nation didn't get everyone. It looks like they just got the people that were at Mount Weather.

“You're shorter than I expected,” a voice comes from where your people are tied up. You whirl around and see a woman standing behind Echo. She's tall, with long dark hair flowing down her shoulders. She's wearing a white fur cape, the markings down both of her arms are the same light blue of the other Ice Nation soldiers. You check for weapons. She has a spear in her hand and a sword on her hip. 

“You're the Ice Queen,” you state, standing in the clearing betweeen her and Camp Jaha.

She bows her head shallowly, her eyes staying on you, “And you're the legend that brought down Mount Weather.” She starts pacing behind the line of people she has tied up, all on their knees. Echo, Bellamy, your mother, Raven, Wick, one of Lexa's warrios. Your eyes quickly finish the line of prisoners. You don't see Lexa among them. 

Octavia and Lincoln are forced to their knees on the other side of  Echo . 

“What do you want?” you ask her. It's obvious that she doesn't want to outright kill you. You're sure your fate will be the same as Costia's. You'll be tortured then beheaded. You feel your heart crack in your chest. However this happens, it's not going to end well. 

Before you turn yourself over to the Ice Queen, you're going to get some answers, “How did you know we'd all be split up?”

The Ice Queen's smile turns wicked. “The Commander's scouts never made it here. They were killed on the trail and replaced.”

“And your scouts came here. One of them left after they delivered the message that we were coming. And the other one stayed until we all split up,” you finish for her. The missing horse should have been investigated more. You shake your head. You should have caught that.

A gunshot sounds and you see the Ice Queen flinch. Her upper arm is lightly bleedin g. However, the look on her face is amused, “If someone kills me, all of these people will die.” She gestures to the line of prisoners  and to her soldiers all around her . “You better call off the guns, Clarke of the Sky People.”

You move to stand between the Ice Queen and Camp Jaha, waving off whoever is shooting out of Camp Jaha. If they wanted to take a shot, they should have done it earlier. You don't know who took the shot, but it's not going to happen again. “Look, if you want me, I'm ready. Just let them go.”

“Well,” the Ice Queen unsheets her sword. It's thick and heavy, but moves easily in her hand. You clench your fists as she walks down the line of prisoners. She grabs the hair of one of Lexa's people and pulls his head back, “That is what I came here to do. I should know better than to send an assassin to do my work for me. If he would have killed you in Polis, none of this would have to happen now.” She moves her sword to the man's neck and looks directly at you, “All the clans think you're a hero, Clarke of the Sky People. You defeated Mount Weather.” She makes a shallow cut on the warrior's neck then moves her sword away. She wipes the sword on his clothes before moving to the next one. You flinch when she violently grabs her hair, exposing her neck. “You may have the information that I need, but killing you would bring the wrath of the other eleven clans down on me and I don't want that. Not yet.” She places the blade of her sword against the warrior. You look at the warrior's face. It's stone cold. 

The Ice Queen smiles at you as she presses the sword against the young warrior's neck, “I need someone with information that is less liked by the clans. Retreating from a battle is never the honorable thing to do. Betraying your allies?” She shakes her head, “The clans still repect the title, but this one? She's never going to be an effective leader again.” The Ice Queen moves her sword away from the warrior's neck. You let out a breath you were holding until the Ice Queen raises her sword and swings it down, cleanly severing the warriors head. 

Screams erupt from the line of prioners. The Ice Queen stands over the body as the head comes to rest a few feet away from it. “Bring me the Commander.” She walks slowly down the line and stops behind your mother. She wipes the bloodied sword on your mother's shoulder. “Or I execute every single one of these people and then I break inside and kill them all.”

You feel like – you feel...everything. You feel everything you've ever felt at once. Every negative emotion manifests itself so deep inside of you, it burrows a hole in your chest. Your knees feel weak. 

You're going to be sick. You close your eyes for a moment and feel your body waver. 

You see the Ice Queen raise her sword again. “No!” You scream. She stops before her sword falls. “I'll get her.” You put your hand up to stop the Ice Queen, “I'll get her.”

“Hurry,” the Ice Queen sheeths her sword and crosses her arms.

Your legs start moving before your brain catches up. You're running hard and when you get inside the gates of Camp Jaha, you have to yell for someone to let you into the Ark. The doors slide open and you step inside. You see the Sky People guards standing at the door. Behind them is a large crowd all gathered inside.

“Clarke,” Kane grabs your arm and pulls you toward the back of the Ark through all the people that are hiding for their lives, “What does she want?”

Your eyes cloud with tears and when you see Lexa standing behind the Chancelor's desk in a near empty room, they spill out of your eyes in rivers. Your eyes meet Lexa's and she knows the answer before you can get it out of your mouth. You see her heart break in her eyes and you can feel it in your chest. 

“She cannot take the Commander,” Indra steps between you and Lexa. 

“Lexa,” you call to her, “Please. What do we do? Please tell me what to do.” You're desperate. You need her to tell you what to do. You need her to be the great leader that she is and tell you how you can fix this so that everyone can get out of it okay.

You can see it in her face. She doesn't have an answer. You move around Indra and stand in front of Lexa. You pull her into your arms, “Lexa-” You break into sobs. It's not fair. You just – you just found her. Your spirits just found each other. 

Everything, every happy moment that you spent with her, all the plans, everything. It's all gone. Just like that. 

She doesn't whisper you reassuring words because you don't know that there are anything at this point. Instead, she whispers to you, “Do you still hate me?”

You pull away from her to look at her face. You touch her cheeks, “I never did.”

She nods solemnly and bows her head. “You're a great leader Clarke.”

“I don't want to be a leader,” tears are threatening to drown you, “I don't want it. I never asked for this. I'm doing my best and it's – its never enough. I just want you. I need you.”

“You're strong, Clarke,” Lexa closed her eyes briefly. She doesn't cry, but tears film her eyes. She quickly blinks them away.

“I'm not,” you cling to her hands, knowing that outside the Ice Queen is waiting to kill more of your people. “I'm not strong. Not enough for this.”

“You are,” Lexa assures you. “You love your people.” She gently kisses you and it's your undoing. You can't speak anymore.

“She's not going anywhere,” Indra draws her sword and stands at the entrance of the room.

You know that Lexa can't tell Indra to stand down. It would be surrendering to the enemy and it wouldn't be a dignified way to go. You don't want that for her.

You grab the knife out of her thigh holster, slide around behind Lexa, and hold the knife to her neck. “Get out of the way.” When Indra doesn't move you scream, “Get out of the way!” because you know that if you don't get it out forcefully it's not going to come out of your mouth.

“Clarke,” Kane tries to talk to you, but you guide Lexa through the crowd of Sky People who all part for you. One of them opens the door of you and you step out. The Ice Queen and seven of her soliders have moved up to the open gates of Camp Jaha. It barely registers to you that the Ice Queen hasn't beheaded anyone else in the clearing behind her. Her guards are all pacing behind the tied up prisoners, swords drawn, ready to execute on a signal.

You don't want this. You don't want any of this. You move the knife from Lexa's throat to her back, you slip it into the back of her belt. You can see her swallow. “Lexa, I'm so sorry.”

She doesn't say anything. You sniffle and grip her arms tightly. You're so lost. The Ice Queen is watching you both. She's staring straight at Lexa's face and you can't hold it together. You're about to lose everything. Your eyes shoot all around you, looking for somewhere to go, some way to get out of it. You whisper “I can't do this without you.”

“You can, Clarke,” Lexa takes the first terrifying step toward the Ice Queen. You're quick to follow her.

“Please Lexa. Come back inside,” you try to pull her back toward the Ark, but you know it's only a fleeing decision. You can't take her back into the Ark because that means your mom and your friends die. Not only do you love them all, but they're all vital to the Sky People's survival.

Tears are freely pouring down your face during the walk toward the Ice Queen. You wipe them on your shirt and with trembling hands you tell her, “I love you.”

Lexa stutter steps. You can see her swallow hard and duck her head in your direction. Her voice is shaking when she whispers back, “I love you too.”

Your chest feels like it's going to collapse in on itself. You grab the back of Lexa's shirt and jerk her back before the Ice Queen's people can get a hold of her. You jerk your head toward your people that are prisoners because you can't speak. The Ice Queen turns to her people and nods. Your people are pushed down onto the ground, but are left alive while the soliders start walking into the the woods, taking all of the grounders' horses with them.

You grab the handle of the knife in Lexa's belt and pull it out. You're going to kill the Ice Queen. You're going to stab her in the heart with it. She is not going to take Lexa from you. You've already lost too much.

But over the Ice Queen's shoulder, you see your mom, pushing herself to her knees. You see at least twenty of your people still laying on the ground and vulnerable. While you're looking at them, Lexa is ripped from you. The Ice Queen uses the hilt of her sword to strike Lexa across the face, knocking her out. She's placed on the back of a white horse which the Ice Queen mounts. With two clicks of her heel on the horse's flanks the Ice Queen is gone .

You collapse in the gates of Camp Jaha. You can't do it anymore. You can't take it. You love Lexa. You love her more than you've ever loved anyone and you just gave her up to be tortured and killed. Every terrible decision you've ever made has culminated to this moment. You don't want to live anymore. You don't deserve to live anymore. People around you keep dying and being taken and no matter what you do, you can't stop it.

Sobs wrack your body. You can't breathe. You can't think. You hear people calling your name, but they sound so far away. You don't want them to come near you. Everyone you love dies.

The Ice Queen used you. She used your love to get Lexa. She knew that you would be together. You were so stupid to think that you could ever be happy. Because you were so, so fucking happy with Lexa. She made you feel safe and protected. Now you're bare and raw and you don't have anywhere to go.

You barely register trying to get up and follow the Ice Nation into the woods. Multiple pairs of arms grab you. You start swinging the knife and calling her name. The knife is taken from your hands and you fight, trying to take the deal back. You don't want to trade. You just want Lexa.

You've had it. You've reached your breaking point. When your mom takes you in her arms, you're both on the ground and you can't stop crying. “I love her,” you cry into your mom's chest, your tears soaking her shirt, “I love her so much.”

You can tell by her voice that your mom is crying too. She strokes your hair, “I know, baby. I know.”

Hiccups break up your words, but you have to tell your mom, “I – I...I have to get her back, Mom. Please.”

Your mom is quiet for a moment before answering, “We'll do everything that we can.” You know that means that it won't be easy and it won't be likely. Your small group of Sky People is no match for the Ice Nation. You'd have to use the alliance who wasn't ready to follow Lexa into battle against them. Once your victory on Mount Weather has faded, there's no way any of them will follow you into war.

You've never felt so hopeless. You cling to your mother's arms, but even they don't bring you any comfort.

Your mom sits with you outside until no more tears fall. You feel so empty. Crying didn't change anything or make you feel better. You hear arguing behind you in Trigedasleng. Indra and Octavia are yelling at each other again. And Lexa isn't here to stop them. She's not here to tell you what you need to do. She's not there for you to ask for advice. Lexa's gone. And it's your fault.

Your mom coaxes you into standing. You're shaky, but Bellamy puts your arm around his shoulders. You don't care where you're going. You feel them guild you into the Ark. You're taken to your mom's room. It's one of the few single bed rooms left on the Ark. You're laid down on her bed and fresh tears come. You shouldn't be laying on the bed. You should be out in the forest looking for Lexa. You should be gathering all the soldiers that you can. You should be fixing the acid fog tanks in Mount Weather so that you can kill them all.

But your body won't move. Your muscles won't move. You feel a shot in your arm and know that you've been sedated. It's probably for the best.

But your dreams are filled with Lexa. She's smiling and you're riding horses. She's teaching you how to swordfight. Your dreams are a cruel trick your mind is playing on you because when you wake up, Lexa isn't there. She's not there for you to kiss good morning. You roll over in the bed. Your mom is asleep in a chair next to the bed and Bellamy is sleeping, propped up on the floor.

When you look at their faces you feel a profound sense of loss. You love them, but you can't stay. You should never have come back.

You pick up Lexa's knife off of the table in the corner of the room and tuck it into your belt before slowly slipping out.

Everyone seems to be asleep except for the guards and Raven who is sitting at the table outside. You walk past them all, not feeling anything, but overwhelming grief.

“Hey,” Raven hops up from the table and catches your arm.

You move with her pull because you don't have the strength to fight it. She presses a small metal device into your hand and then hugs you. You look at the device over her shoulder. It's just a metal square with a button on it, under a plastic door. “If you're ever in trouble, hit that and we'll be there as fast as we can okay?”

You pull away from Raven and look at her. She knows that you can't stay. You nod to her, not able to form words. You walk out of the gates of Camp Jaha.

Lexa's tent is still there. You want to go in and see it one last time. It might be like being with her again. But when you step into the tent, someone is already there. Indra is sitting on the platform that Lexa's throne sits on. She looks up at you and you can feel the anger flying at you. You drop to your knees inside of the tent and look at her through glassy eyes. You want it to be over. You give up. You give yourself to Indra. When you bow your head, your tears fall onto the packed dirt underneath you.

But she doesn't kill you. When you look up, you can see that her eyes are clouded with tears as well. You've hurt so many people. You have killed so many people. You can see a book in her hand. It's your book – the one that you sketched pictures of Lexa in. She's holding it open in her hanging hand. She was looking at pictures of Lexa.

You wipe your face with your sleeve. You don't know what you're doing in the tent anymore. It was Lexa's so it reminds you of Lexa.

You push yourself to your feet and look around the room. You don't deserve to stay. You turn around and walk out the door. The burden is yours to carry and yours alone. You walk out into the forest under the soft light of the rising sun. You know you're never coming back to Camp Jaha.

You drop the beacon that Raven gave you onto the ground and walk away from it. It's over. There is no satifying resolution to your story. There are just trees and clumsy steps. You don't know what you're doing. You don't know where you're going. But you do know one thing: there is no happy ending for you on the ground.

 


End file.
